It’s something I struggle with. It’s hard for me to let go. Once I do, I don’t hold a grudge, but for a day or two I’m just inconsolable. This applies double if the insult was to a particularly tender area of my ego. A kick in the proverbial balls, if you will.
I’m not really sure how to “let it go” without time and space. I tend to go into hermit mode. Nothing that can be said or done really makes it better, just time. I think it comes across as terrible moodiness, but really I don’t know how to deal with these things any other way. “Talking it out” just leads to tears; my emotions are almost always on my sleeve in these situations. Why do I so easily cry, but it’s so hard for me to express happiness to the Captain when I know he loves that?
Contriteness for the ball kick helps, of course. If the person doesn’t care about my feelings, I’ll hold onto it longer. Even if I know they didn’t really mean it, the scene of the crime replays in my head. I can try to keep busy, but in quiet moments, it creeps back in and stabs at me all over again.
This isn’t a post that has any real solution. Just something that I struggle with, and felt like putting into words. I wish I knew how to fix me. These things happen less and less these days, so maybe I’m making progress, but I still don’t really know what I’m doing.
