We’ve had a rough week. I’ve been trying to do too much, getting stressed out in the process, plus I’m slightly sick, then the layoff stuff, and Cap and I haven’t had much of a chance to connect sexually. Then of course, he gets a cold sore in the midst of this, so no kissing. I’ve never had them, and we’re trying to keep it that way.
This is the first time he’s had one since we restarted our relationship. In our previous Dark Years, I would have said “Oh, no kissing? That’s too bad,” then secretly rejoiced at not having to worry about it for a week or two. I had absolutely no desire to kiss him, and in fact was kind of reviled, both at his technique and simply not being attracted (though I didn’t know that’s what it was, or at least I refused to put that name to it). Both issues have since been fixed, of course, and now kissing is something we do regularly without thinking much about it.
Now though… I feel like an essential part of our relationship is missing. There’s a huge gaping hole in our interactions with each other. When he comes home I want to jump up and greet him, but it has to be just a hug, and leaves me feeling unsatisfied. Our interchanges are awkward, we’re both getting snippy with one another. I have to stop myself from showing affection. I can feel his pauses as well. It’s like there’s a wall between us.
Sex is floundering as well, when it happens. I don’t quite know how to get started, don’t feel quite as connected, the energy doesn’t flow like it’s supposed to. We have a date with the sheets in a little while, and I’m not sure how it’s gonna go. It’s felt kind of like duty sex, which I guess isn’t all bad, but I need a crazy awesome connection after all this stress we’ve had, and I don’t think that can happen without a good make-out.
I had a good cry this morning, because I realize this must be what he felt like for years. And I can barely stand a week.
I know it’ll be fine, and it’ll be over soon. I’m kind of thankful for the insight it’s given me. Sort of like when your love leaves on a trip, and you don’t realize how much you miss the sound of their breathing till you can’t fall asleep.
