I know I was playing hard-to-get, but I knew he’d go along… We’re often really ridiculous in our texting.
Me: Just made it out of Sam’s, doubt I’ll be home in time to feed babies, ugh. ((Note: Sam’s and Walmart are soul-sucking places. It took make like an hour to get 2 cans of formula. Sheesh.))
Him: wow. If you’re late, you owe me a coconut oil handjob. 
PS, you were late the moment you left.
Me: Huh?
Him: LOL
Me: 
Him: (repeats what he said about the handjob)
Me: Still not following…
Him: YOU’RE GIVING ME A HANDJOB.
Me: Sorry, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Him: Hand touches penis. You wrap your four fingers in one direction and thumb in the other. You move vigorously back and forth along the central axis.
Me: Nope, not ringing a bell.
Him: Imagine washing a broom handle. But only the top. This makes a man very happy. This earns a wife a lot of brownie points. However, brownie points are currently subject to blackout dates and are not redeemable.
Me: I’m not in my period anymore, I’ll be damned if you’re the only one getting some tonight. So nyah.
Him: What? What is this getting some you speak of?
Me: Pfft.
Him: Look, I’ve spent YEARS touching myself. I think I know a thing or two about touching penises. Are you suggesting there’s another way?
Me: Are you speaking French?
Him: You ate a whole wheel of cheese?
I informed him when I got home that the proper response was not an Anchorman quote, but rather “Parlez-vous my dick?” Then we got down to bidness.
