I’m beginning to wonder if knowing about the red pill is a good thing for me.
I find myself getting extra annoyed at his actions if they’re passive aggressive beta moves, and I find myself daydreaming about certain alpha responses, and wishing that he’d done something a different way. I think I used to do this, but more subconsciously… now it’s painfully obvious to me.
But at the same time, if he grabbed me mid argument, ripped my pants off, and bent me over the bed, I’m not sure I’d react the same way in real life as I would in my head. Especially in the middle of a really heated argument.
So essentially, I don’t even know what I want. There are times when I desperately want him to act like a crazed alpha wolf, and just devour me whole. But those are the times when I find myself pushing him away, and acting out. And I KNOW that’s what I’m doing… but I can’t stop myself. I really hate it. I almost think it was easier to deal with when I wasn’t conscious of it. I’m a fucking walking contradiction.
Would we be having more success if I hadn’t found the book? If we didn’t talk about it when the kids are in bed?
These are the things I’m pondering right now, though I know it’s not entirely productive, because there is no going back.
