I’ve been very introspective the last week or so. I haven’t had a lot of time to write anything substantial, nor have I really had the energy. I’ve been offering snippets of thoughts on forums and blogs, about a random topic here or there. I wonder why I decide to try to give people advice when I can’t get my own shit together at times, then I feel anxious about it (my social anxiety extends to the Internet, it seems).

Since I started the Wellbutrin, I’ve definitely felt better. I don’t have that underlying unexplainable nervousness, I’m no longer feeling like there’s doom right around the corner, so that’s good. Am I happier? Not sure. Maybe? It’s hard to tell when I spend my days taking care of sick, teething kids. Everything just kinda blurs together.

The twins are almost 11 months old. This time last year, I was secretly reading Athol’s blog, not wanting to admit that I was actually digging it. Some weird sense of pride kept me from telling him I was on board with the idea until I’d completely finished devouring MMSL and The Red Pill Room. Has it only been a year?

So. I’ve never really written down my Female Action Plan goals. Partly because I’m scared to really look at those glaringly obvious problems that I’d rather tuck away and forget about. And partly because I’m not really a list-maker. I tend to think in broad ideas, not specifics. It’s hard to pick specifics out of the whirlwind that is my thought process.

Here. We. Go.

The obvious:

*Improve my wardrobe. T-shirt and jeans doesn’t cut it. Especially not baggy ones. Happy to say that I rarely wear t-shirts out anymore (I feel rather odd doing it now), and I only own one pair of baggy jeans. That pair of jeans sits in the bottom of a drawer, and I pull them out from time to time to remind myself just how much progress I’ve made in the weight loss/physical fitness department. I’ve been given a good monthly budget from the Captain, so this is well under way.

*Wear makeup. Seems like such a simple thing, but I only wore it for special special occasions (like, once a year maybe, usually not) until I was maybe 28? My mom never taught me, and I never bothered to figure it out. I’ve only this year really learned how to rock it. At least I feel like I’m rocking it. MakeUpGeekTV is a fantastic teacher.

*Lose weight/get fit. I’m gonna be real about my numbers here, probably to be regretted later. When I was in the military 10 years ago (dear God, 10 years, really?) I was at the peak. I’m 5’8″, and my weight fluctuated between 145-150. Had abs for a little while. Worked out twice a day. I thought I was fat back then, what the hell was I thinking? Looking at photos, women would kill to look like I did, and I hid it because of a constant barrage of “women with curves are fat asses” from the people I worked with. I had a relationship with diet pills for a little while. I really was slammin’ though… I regret hiding it. I don’t even have that many pictures from that time, because I thought I was hideous. So yeah, if you prefer super-thin, that’s fine, but consider how you express that. Words hurt.

Then I got married, separated from the military, stopped working out all together, went to college, worked for a while, and had a kid. I don’t remember what I weighed when I got pregnant with #1, but I want to say it was hovering around 185. After K, I lost some weight, but a few years later I was sitting at around 200 (I will never get there again, freaking embarrassing). Years of “he loves me for me” and “I’m not working out, I paid my dues in the military, I’m taking a break” and “well I don’t look that bad”. Got pregnant with the twins, got up to 225. Since then, I’ve dropped 60 lbs if you count the babies, haha… I dipped near 165 this week, and I feel pretty happy about it. I don’t think I’ll ever get back to 145, but I would be happy with 155 or 160 with muscle, so 5 or 10 lbs to go. It’s a marathon and not a sprint, I keep telling myself, though I seem unable to convince myself of that.

I’ve cut out a lot of carbs, though I still sometimes cheat with a sandwich. No sugary snacks, no soda, no white bread. We’re eating paleo-ish right now. I actually feel sort of sick to my stomach when I cheat, so my body is definitely getting used to it. I am without a doubt eating healthier now than I ever have in my entire life. My chiropractor cleared me to do some light weights, so I’m starting that back up again next week. So now you know I’m truly a recovering fatty. I’m embarrassed, but I’m looking forward to posting some “look at how hot I am now” pics on Facebook.

The “Not So Obvious, Really Painful To Admit to Myself” to come in Part 2.