I’m in a weird mood this week. I don’t want to immediately say it’s because my birthday is a week away, but I would be lying if I didn’t suspect it’s related. Hell, yeah, it’s probably definitely related. Probably. *squeak squeak*
I’m in a weird place. I wasted the pretty in my 20′s, but I’m looking better than I have in a while. I nearly have a .7 waist-to-hip ratio, my legs and arms are firming up; at the same time, I ain’t gettin’ any younger, and parts of me are permanently scared from various pregnancies and ailments. So I have this odd contrast of “Oh my God, I’m getting old and it’s all slipping through my fingers and insecurities and blah blah blah” and “dang, this is gonna look awesome when I finish getting toned.” I’ve started playing with dumbells way bigger than the other girls in the gym. (Since there’s no squat rack and only a smith machine at this craptacular gym, I’m sticking with dumbells and body weight stuff until my membership runs out and I can get to another gym. I’m getting results, so I’m not entirely complaining) But I still see awesome looking 20 year old gals and think “well, shit, I remember when my boobs looked like that.” So I’m on a bit of a roller coaster of self esteem. I know, it’s not that complicated, I shouldn’t worry about it, it’s just on my mind.
I’m not really doing anything for my birthday, because I’ve come to realize that most of the “friends” I would invite to anything are friends that only show up to parties out of obligation, and/or because there’s free food. People I only see a few times a year, and put in no effort otherwise. People I’ve known forever, and that I’ve tried to get together with for lunch or coffee or whatever, and been blown off consistently, text messages and calls ignored. Whatever. It’s got me pretty jaded and hermit-y. I’m in the process of making new friends, but it’s hard for me. I’m not a people person. I kind of just want to curl up this weekend and lament the loss of my youth with some 90′s music and a trashy romance novel, even though I never have read those kind of books… Does A Song of Ice and Fire count? I could reread Game of Thrones. It’s got lots of sex. Mostly incest, but whatever. (I love you, George RR Martin, you crazy old man, you.) “The Wall”, hah… Just call me a member of the Night’s Watch. Apt for the current subject. If only there was a magical horn to tear down the Age Wall… Gorram, I’m such a nerd.
I haven’t told Captain M what I want for my birthday because I don’t have a damn clue. The only thing I can think of is a new camera, and DSLRs aren’t in our budget right now. I don’t have time for new hobbies, or any hobbies, and if I bought a fancy dress right now, I’d just have to get it tailored in a few months. I got a new phone months ago that I am crazy happy with. So….. What? I’m not sure. And I don’t really want him to worry about it. I just need him to be around.
I think perhaps the existential crisis that usually happens for women turning 30 just hit me a couple of years later than most ladies because I was so busy at the time, and was trying to ignore it.
I’m grateful for what I have. I have food, shelter, clothing, great children, and a wonderful husband that cares. That’s enough. All my neurosis be damned.
