Repost of my disappeared post from last night, slightly edited
I really wish I could say that things were going well… But honestly, I feel like we’re falling apart. Apologies if this is scattered… I just need to write it all out, collect my thoughts.
We had a one hour phone call with Athol Kay on New Years Eve, and that went great. I can’t recommend him enough, if you need some outside direction. The next week, I started focusing on what I need to do with my MAP. I got out and took some photographs, printed them and framed them for our house. I decluttered a lot to get rid of some of the negative energy surrounding me in the house. I started to feel a bit better. We started to feel a bit better.
Then I found out that we actually have a lot less money in savings than I thought we did (less than a single paycheck, much less). My usual response would be to freak out, but something just snapped. I’ve been incredibly detached since that discussion/argument, specifically after he tried to tell me that I was overreacting to having no savings, while he works for a layoff-happy company making 1/2 of what he should be. He has a habit of telling me I overreact to everything, instead of actually dealing with problems. It’s frustrating, to say the least. I know this can be attributed to low-t now, but somehow I’m not consoled by that. I’m just tired of it all.
Things were starting to get a little better last week. We started the Dave Ramsey plan (the books were a great gift from a very dear lady), and have saved $300 in a month. It could always be worse… We have no credit card debt, just stupid fucking student loans. I started warming back up a bit. Felt like things were headed in the right direction. Then Captain M got a bad review at work. With his place of employment, this is basically a warning that he’ll most likely be included in the next layoff. He told me a few weeks ago that the rumor is that layoffs will happen again in February.
So here we are. He’s searching for a new job.
I’m detached because if I engage in thinking about this at all, I will completely freak out. I’m just focusing on the kids right now. I can’t do anything else. And because I feel like I’ve been warning him about his job situation for months now, and he hasn’t heard me. He has such an “everything will be ok, nothing is wrong” attitude about everything, even things that are very serious and need serious action, it’s not a surprise that his aloofness is a problem at work too. I just can’t handle the dismissiveness. I’m a SAHM with 3 small children, and no marketable job skills. It’s not like I can go out and get a second job for income… It’d all be going towards childcare, and it’d be a total wash. My sense if complete helplessness is at a high. I’m not controlling this train. I feel like I’m slowly going crazy, because I don’t trust him.
I feel like the hormones and vitamins have been helping me somewhat, as far as rest goes. I’ve felt a bit more awake, and have had an easier time going to sleep at times. I busted my ass last week and got a lot accomplished in the house, but I’m utterly exhausted, mentally and physically. I’m really scared I’m going to reach a breaking point and completely lose it. The kids are in a very difficult stage right now, and that’s hard to deal with too. I’ve got a boy that I can’t keep clothes or diapers on, and he’s too young to potty train.
Captain M got his T tested again, and it’s even lower than it was before, and his thyroid is still too high. He’s starting on thyroid meds soon, I think. But in the meantime, neither one of us really cares about sex right now. It’s been a month. I grieve because I know we’re slowly dying this way, but at the same time, I don’t think I would enjoy it at all. I’m not sure he would either. I know I’m not very attractive right now, acting like a small wounded animal. My weight loss is still completely stuck, and I’m struggling to keep caring.
And now I’ve probably made myself start crying in Starbucks… Perhaps I should have done this at home. I probably need a good cry, it’s been weeks since I’ve had one.
I’ve got plans to start my photography business up again, and I need to kickstart that ASAP. I’ll have more in another post on that this week.
I’m not really sure what to do with this blog anymore, besides try to work these things out through text. The desire to only put out a perfect picture of myself is still strong, so I’ll likely regret re-posting this, but it’s just how my life is right now. The red pill stuff doesn’t solve everything, and I wish it did. I wish there was something I could do that would just fix all this mess. The last year has been one big downward spiral.
