So many men get a girl pregnant, either by accident or design and then end up in no man’s land. While she is cooing like a dove in the nest, glowing with all those hormones, embodying the pinnacle of her femininity, the poor baby dad is left with his hands in his pockets, fiddling with his nut sack and wondering just what the hell is about to hit him and if/when he’s ever going to get laid again.
This goes on for months while the baby is growing inside her. Family, friends and even strangers offer weird advice and warble out of place, emotionally charged congratulations that just leave the poor dad-to-be feeling lost. It took all my strength to stop myself shouting “fuck off” at people who’d say congratulations.
The problem is often exaggerated these days as most childless men don’t socialize with couples that have kids. The movies are full of bluepill garbage with some lame white knight panicking, crashing the car outside the hospital, fainting, etc. There is nowhere for a red blooded male to get advice.
Our midwife saved me. She promptly advocated fist fucking to open up the baby momma and make her ready. She also advised that daily creampies were essential since the sperm softens up the vagina. Anal is good too—the anal sphincter is an obstacle to the birth canal. Finger a girl in the pussy, palm to her asshole and you will see what I mean. We had more no-holes-barred sex when she was pregnant than before. It’s actually a great time to build the male-female dynamic and I think it was Liam Gallagher who said: “they go all mellow when they are pregnant.”
Wise Up
I did a bit of googling when my girl got pregnant. It wasn’t planned but I figured it would be an adventure and I like putting myself in strange situations and seeing what happens. I was making quite a bit of money at the time, so the first option that sprang to mind was an elective caesarian. Pack her off to a five star facility and let someone else do the dirty work. “Too posh to push.”
While looking into this option, I came across research that showed only 5-10% of births medically need a caesarian while stats sit at around 50-55%. The rest of the time the mother (or more often the doctor) is too lazy to wait and/or it’s more convenient to simply book a nice time like 11am on a Wednesday and get back to the golf course. It’s also more lucrative since Dr. Chop can bang out 5-10 babies a day, at 10 times the price in surgery, whereas all that ‘un-billable’ pushing and moaning can go on for 24-72 hours.
Science is starting to show that children born by C-section, often suffer from more ailments later in life and may be prone to more anti-social behavior. With violent countries like South Africa and Brazil topping C-section stats at 75-85% of all births, I decided to look at other alternatives. Feminists have been too busy pushing women into middle management careers to look at the real feminine issues, so I had to figure it out for myself.
That led me into natural birthing and it was about the same time that a number of stars including Jessica Alba were bleating about the benefits of natural birth in the media. I always fancied myself as a bit of a farmer/doctor and I figured it would be a one-of-a-kind experience to birth my own kid, with only basic assistance on hand. A buddy of mine worked on a farm and I’d birthed a calf with him. I figured the baby momma wouldn’t be much different. In Holland, more than 50% of all births are done at home. The UK is following suit because it’s so much easier and cheaper. Good luck tangling with the military industrial complex in the US, but it can be done.
My first prenatal encounter with medical professionals was a class for pregnant mothers and their husbands in the natural birth clinic. A large black nurse stood up and put the fear of god into 20+ couples (think Eddie Murphy in The Klumps), as she went through the A-Z of every possible disaster that could occur during pregnancy and birth, complete with a graphic slide show that would have made Tarantino envious. I looked around the room as people nervously clutched their chairs and held each other’s hands with white knuckles, whereupon I stood up and in the politest queen’s English, told her to shut the fuck up.
I’d done my reading (Mary Mongan has a lot of great information on natural birthing) and I was well versed by this stage in how to guide a sow woman through birth. I think it’s an important thing to be able to deal with in life. You never know when you might get stranded – a little background goes a long way, not least when it’s your own child.
This is where the boys walk and the real men can stay in the room
The bitter and jaded red pillers out there, will laugh at me and call me a variety of names, but this was a life experience and a pretty fucking cool one at that. Sure a part of what I was doing should have been taken care of by women, but thanks to feminism, modern women have lost the plot. Yeah I could have been partying all summer in clubs and banging chicks, but this was just as, if not more exciting, AND it was real life.
From the time she started pre-labor contractions until the baby was born, we were awake for 72 hours with barely any sleep. It was a riot for me, since I am prone to work or partying all night but still I was pushed to my limits and I can only imagine how literally and metaphorically fucked the poor bitch must have felt.
Natural birthing is a little hippyish, but it makes a lot of sense. The idea is to keep the mother relaxed. Dim lights, no stainless steel equipment, glaring overheads, bevy of doctors and noisy medical electronics. Just keep the girl relaxed and let nature do its work. Easy in theory, near impossible in practice—not least since feminists have been so busy turning women into men with 3mm penises, that most girls these days are clueless about birthing and babies. If you think into it logically, it’s the only time anyone who is perfectly healthy and experiencing a natural bodily function is rushed to hospital. Sure there is a risk. Yes women do die in labor, but many also squeeze out their puppies pretty quickly and easily. If it was that life threatening, the human race would have long since died out.
I was in charge the whole time. It was my kid. No medical professional, mother in law, bitchy sister, feminist nurses, faggot doctors or her BFFs got in the way. I took the bull by the horns, made it happen and reaped the benefits, not least because she feels forever in debt to me for taking such good care of her, and allowing her to experience the birth as a sexually charged process, instead of a clinical medical procedure.
In my opinion a lot of first time mothers end up feeling unlimited amounts of resentment because the birth was so damn awful. 99% of that is directed at fathers. On the flip side there is the beta male ‘herb’, seen bottle feeding the new born and pushing a stroller—FUCK THAT. After the baby came out my job was done. I never changed a nappy or had much to do with childcare, because a) I’m the bread winner and b) I want the fun of having a kid, not the hassle, which is for the mother to deal with. I’d hire a maid or nanny before I had anything to do with baby poop.
Conclusion
Guard her (and drill her) while she’s pregnant and get her through the birth—it’s actually quite an intimate, sexual experience if you can get past your one dimensional idea of sperm release. Finally make it damn clear that she’s the momma. If you are going to have a kid, this is how you do it as a man (unless you’re an OBGYN, in which case you just chop it out and head for the golf course). In an ideal world men would not be involve at all, but in reality women need a man to figure things out and guide them, even when it comes to their own bodily functions. If feminism had the slightest bit of integrity their first job would have been in the birthing area, not voting and employment.
My final piece of advice is to maintain an active life outside the home. Although we still had a rip roaring sex life during and after the pregnancy (no the pussy does not get stretched, especially if you do it naturally), mommy is pretty boring and stressful to hang out with the first 6-12 months after birth. Trying to have an evening drink and unwind is hard when she’s on call 24/7 like a fireman; either that or she’s so tired she falls asleep at 9pm and you feel like you’re visiting grandma.
The first 2-3 years of having a kid are pretty dull and lame, and best avoided. A couple of hours a week of fatherhood was enough baby joy for me. After they can walk and talk and wipe their own ass, it becomes quite fun and dare I say it’s rather empowering. You’re certainly the boss when you have a child of your own—children reflect on you, so you have to man up and take the reins.
As far as the natural birth thing goes, the gentle entrance my daughter had into the world created a vivacious, confident and lively kid who is intelligent and well behaved, rather than a panicky, nasty, messy womb turd. Once you have a child, the relationship you build with your children is what keeps the mother in play, since the kids easily love their ‘cool’ father than is not involved with all the daily kerfuffle. Thus the mother cannot leave without breaking the kids hearts. Her first strategy in breaking the relationship is to cut you off from the kids and that is easily avoided if they love you.
Read Next: Fat Single Mothers Are Child Abusers
