My husband is my sexual partner and the center of my universe. He makes me special. I’ll take care of him as my top priority. It costs me nothing to gratify him sexually, and even though I am not experienced in bed, I will learn both what he likes and seek to improve my skills and increase the variety of sexual experiences he can have with me.
He’ll have the best blowjobs, handjobs, footjobs, anal, deepthroat and anything else I can imagine or learn about. I’ll never turn him down but make it so he has to work just a little bit. Sometimes I will initiate but not so often that he feels like I am shoving my cunt in his face. If he turns me down I know it’s only because he’s tired and I’ve already swallowed his load twice today, so that’s okay. I might even consider bringing one of my single friends over for a threesome soon, as I want my man to be king of the castle. Those bitches need a good shafting and seeing them getting pounded by my man will make me Queen Bee. They can never really have him like I do. I want to treat him right and show them that he’s all mine no matter how much pussy is on offer.
I will keep myself in good shape and dress nicely, especially in the bedroom. My wardrobe will be well-stocked with lingerie and I will keep our bedroom like a courtesan’s boudoir. I want him to be relaxed, as I know he has a busy and demanding life out there in the big wide world.
Making something of himself is important to him and also to me. I know that unless he goes out calm, confident, and relaxed from his wonderful fulfilling home life, he might just go and set up home somewhere else. At the very least neither of us will be happy unless his professional life is going smoothly and he can rely on his support system at home. I will eat a sensible diet, avoid all the fads, and work out moderately to stay in shape, but not so much that I get exhausted and can’t spend time with my man.
I will take good care of the rest of the house, keeping it tidy and well-stocked with his favorite food and drink. I know that his focus is on work outside the home so I want him to have a nice place to come back to, but not a show home that is stiff and uncomfortable. I won’t nag him about unnecessary things, and when it comes to finances and domestic arrangements, I will have quiet, relaxing, engaging conversations. I will be conscientious enough to pick the best moment when he is not stressed from work or about to leave for an important meeting.
I want him to be the best he can be, because otherwise who did I marry? I never want to drag him down, belittle him or spoil his mood. He may be distant sometimes, but I will give him the space he needs. He is my other half, so how can I be anything unless he is 100%?
I will work with him to guide and educate our children so they grow up to be useful, generous, well-balanced individuals that might actually stick around past their 16th birthday and give us some extended family in our old age.
How A Wife Actually Acts
My career is my priority. Although I haven’t worked in nearly a decade because I’ve been busy having kids, I constantly yap on about how much I enjoy my professional life and how I will excel when I go back to work, although I do almost nothing to find serious employment. I love being a stay-at-home mom, but for some reason I’m still not fully happy with it so I complain about it endlessly. Nothing is ever good enough for me and I am always “exhausted” although I do little during the day. When I do finally get a job it won’t be about the money or supporting my family, it will just be about ME. After clothing, makeup, travel expenses, and poor pay because I only work part-time, my job will be cost negative, but it’s okay because my husband pays the bills and I will insist on working anyway, because it’s soooo important to me.
I must get on a diet and go to the gym. I talk about it like a broken record but never actually go, even though I am motoring through several hundred dollars a month on memberships to multiple establishments and frequently purchase expensive brand name gym clothes I only use to pick up the kids from school. I must go and buy all the latest diet fads and hop from one to the next until my poor metabolism is so confused I have more blubber than a Minke whale and our monthly grocery bill is through the roof on useless health foods. I only consume one glass of fat free milk, a bowl of salad, and 15 donuts a day. Why I am I so fat? I should become vegan. I need $50,000 of plastic surgery. There is a sale at Louis Vuitton soon. I must go to Ikea and buy a new truckload of horrid uncomfortable furniture, the living room is so cluttered and we don’t have nearly enough throw cushions on the bed. You can almost lie down on it without doing 20 minutes of rearranging. Hang on, before I leave let just me make the bathroom look like a tornado hit a cosmetics factory. I do love the smell of stale sanitary towels in the garbage can, don’t you?
My husband is nothing but a nuisance. When he is around I treat him like an emotional punching bag. He doesn’t deserve any respect. With my shrill voice and my annoying emotional tones I constantly keep him on edge by shouting his name until he has to come running. Although I’m practically old enough to be a grandma, I always make him aware that I have other men in the pipeline. Poor schmuck. Even though his job sounds sooo dull, he seems happy when he heads off to work and I don’t understand why. At least I can add some misery to his life while he is at home. I never have time for him anyway, what with the children and all the BFFs I need to keep up with. He missed his promotion last year, but I’m not surprised as he’s such a lifeless chump.
He eats in the drive-through on the way home from work and fetches the groceries and cleans the house on the weekend as he has nothing better to do, especially now that I’ve sold his golf clubs and guitar on eBay. I have no idea why he wanted to buy a small boat—I spent that money taking the kids to Disneyland instead. Perhaps I should sell the computer too, he stays up late at night on it for some reason.
My life is so scattered, stressed, and miserable. We never have sex so I have to masturbate in the shower on my own. I bought a dildo when I went to the sex shop with my BFF, it’s hidden in the bottom draw. I keep buying things all the time but they never seem to be of much use. I wish we had more money and I wish I could lose weight. I can’t understand why my children are so spoiled and badly behaved. My daughter lost her virginity at 13 last year, and now she’s started smoking pot. Should I be a proud mom? These modern times are so confusing. Cosmo says I should have an affair and then get a divorce. The article said you have to have an affair first to make sure it’s really over.
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