I was visiting a friend of mine in Switzerland recently, and when I woke up on Saturday morning he was cleaning his military issue automatic assault rifle on the kitchen table. He apologized that he had to go to report for compulsory shooting as part of his military service. I love guns, so I invited myself along and had a great time shooting with him, but he seemed fed up with the obligation.
This is the difference between doing something because you have an interest in it and being forced to do it. The difference is only psychological, but it can create havoc with your outlook and psyche.
Taking a girlfriend out for a drink or dinner should be fun and enjoyable, but if you are in an LTR and you have to go because it’s “date night,” then it becomes another matter altogether. As you grow older more things seem to become obligatory and less things seem to be fun.
Nowhere in life can you find more roped-in situations than inside a family setting. Of course in life there are always less pleasant things that you have to do: take out the trash, vacuum the apartment, pay the rent and so forth, but when you are doing those things because you see some benefit, because you chose to participate in that particular venture, of course the burden of responsibility melts away and you take pride in what you are doing.
You also tend to choose the moment that suits you best and always have the option not to do it and put up with a kitchen full of trash, a dusty carpet etc. While some more uptight people might stick their noses up at the state of your place, if that’s how you want it and it makes you comfortable—so be it. There is also a question of timing involved. If you are exhausted from work, well the vacuuming can wait until the weekend.
On the other hand, when the wife is barking at you to walk the dog or take out the trash, this is when the obligation starts to creep in and life becomes less interesting, tedious, mundane, and often rather stifling; oppressive even. Other people have their own needs, designs, and plans for you. The proverbial Christmas dinner can be a fun family occasion, or it can be a tedious chore you are attending almost at gunpoint.
A man needs certain basics in life and it’s often the things that seem to cost nothing that we can most easily neglect or overlook. Fresh air, for example, we take for granted until living in some smogged out Asian city and start realize what a joy it was living by the beach. After fresh air, healthy food, and clean drinking water, there are a number of other attributes a man needs and these are very easy to lose.
Peace and Quiet
There is no replacement for a good night’s sleep, waking up at a time that suits you, recharging on the weekend, and essentially what amounts to little more than having time to process your own thoughts and existence. While we are all so caught up in smart phones, constant entertainment, and desperately trying to avoid being bored or lonely, I’ve always found that the times in my life when I’ve had plenty of peace and quiet rapidly became extremely productive.
Living with someone, starting a family or having too many casual friends is a great way to lose this valuable time. The obligations and burdens that family life or even friendships can throw at you will most certainly disrupt this most precious asset. There’s nothing worse than rushing an important business meeting or project because you need to get back to the girlfriend or wife and kids. The same holds true for single people who constantly feel the need to hang out.
Freedom
For me, this is largely an extension of peace and quiet. During the times in my life when I’ve been free from entanglements, I’ve consciously chosen to avoid too much pointless socializing and allocate time for myself; planning, preparing my business projects, getting out and about in a calm and relaxing way and generally digesting life in general. That’s not to say you must live like a hermit in a cabin in the woods—if you chose to party like an animal all weekend, get wasted, play X-Box 18 hours a day, or fill your house with dozens of friends, that is your decision to take.
Sadly most people would do almost anything to give up the freedom doing their own thing, and many when given too much solitude or freedom plough themselves into all kinds of negative states. You may find that you do not make very good company for yourself, or at least it requires a certain amount of discipline to limit the pleasures of life in favor of more productive paths.
Nonetheless, having the freedom to do what you please is extremely important – so much so that the main punishment for crime is being incarcerated – and yet you cannot put a price on freedom.
Discipline
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy, sure. However, friends, family, and other trivial obligations can easily drag down your discipline. Whether it be your exercise regime, the food you eat, orpicking up a smoking habit (or worse)—holding your own discipline in place is often tougher with people around. It can be useful to participate in a venture with someone else who is also committed, but ultimately the burden of discipline rests only with yourself.
I quit smoking at 25 and hadn’t smoked in five years, until I moved in with a girl who was initially a non-smoker but picked up the habit at work and brought it home with her. Brilliant.
Sex
Sex is a commodity that man a needs. It makes him feel completed, satisfied, accomplished, and has many proven health benefits. No matter what you do you cannot deny nature’s programming and even monks that hide away in monasteries lack the zest of a man that’s getting some. Unfortunately tying that into an enormous burden of wife, kids, home, family and so forth can ruin your sex life.
Options
Take stock of the options you have open in life and be very careful before making a decision that is going to limit them. If men have one big weakness, it’s that they take life decisions quite frivolously and then wonder “how did I end up here?” Think forwards and try to imagine what options you are giving up. The grass might look greener—those super interesting druggy friends, that wired and zany business partner, that tedious job that pays well, etc.—many things look great on the surface, but what are you giving up?
Is it such a great job or will you be roped into endless weekend conferences? She’s a great gal, but will you start smoking again if you live with her? What are the risks and rewards? Do you really want to live in this or that city or country? What are you giving up? Lots of people talk about going ex-pat, but having done it myself in a variety of countries, I missed being able to order stuff online and receive almost whatever I wanted the next day, not just out of greed but for productivity’s sake.
The worst thing of all I’ve experienced from living with someone is the phone call or message “When are you coming home?” There’s no replacement for doing your own thing and heading home when you damn well please, happy with the accomplishments of the day, or pondering the problems you were facing and thinking of solutions you will implement tomorrow. Being cut short and rushing off to the girlfriend or wife and kids, only to find that an evening of watching cable TV awaits, is a fate worse than death in my opinion.
I love opening the door of my quiet, peaceful place—having a friendly female face to greet me would be nice, but what would I be giving up to accomplish that? Perhaps I am a workaholic, but frankly other than sleep, eat, shit, and fuck, I don’t see much else to do with my time. If you like to be productive and reach your own goals, then be wary of the obligations you invite into your life. In other words, be careful what you wish for because you just might get it.
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