Wanted to share something with you guys that I hope helps you work through your own fears of rejection/pain/etc. I got this message out of the blue today on Hinge:
My girlfriend Molly was really annoyed by this woman’s message, so we ended up having this really great lesson/talk about it, that I hope will help you guys if a woman is ever unkind to you. Here’s the learning lessons:
Molly was super mad, so I said to her: sometimes people aren’t particularly happy or secure in themselves or in life, and it becomes easy for them to lash out at others. We can have compassion for them and hope they feel a little better—and then gently move away from them, towards more kindhearted people.
I obviously unmatched the woman (not really much to say in response to her message). Learning lesson here is: You guys are allowed to unmatch people/block people, or walk away if it’s in-person. You don’t have to stick around if someone’s being unkind.
Then I asked Molly, “Do you know what we can do about it?”
“We can be THREE TIMES nicer to the next person we speak to. We can give them all the loving-kindness we wished this woman had given us. We can end the cycle of pain and bullying by spreading extra kindness to balance out her unkindness.”
There’s a game she and I are playing through now, Talos Principle 2. A character in the game says:
“Not all things need to balance. When weighing good against evil, tip the scales towards good.”
Molly and I also explored what might make someone send a message like that. We obviously don’t know her story, but maybe she had a bad experience with a man who acted extremely masculine and dominant, then let her down. Maybe she’s been spoken to spitefully herself and her brain learned that this is how people communicate. Maybe she has incredibly judgemental people around her who’ve taught her to be judgemental, too.
Attacking (as in, her attacking me) often looks very strong and powerful. It looks like someone is tough and “winning”. But when you look deeper, can you see the fear? Can you see how the attack might actually be a defence?
Maybe she was scared I’d hurt her, waste her time, disappoint her or make her look foolish. Maybe she felt threatened by what my pictures represented. Maybe she felt like she’d be judged by her friends for even talking to someone like me who’s “beneath her” or “not good enough for her”. Again, we don’t know—but trying to understand helped us move out of judgement and towards compassion.
Molly eventually said, “I don’t think there’s any way to win against her.” As in, there’s nothing you could say to this woman to “win” the conversation.
And Molly was right. If I insulted this woman back, she could say, “Look how offended he is—I was right! He’s such a little pussy!”
If I politely defended myself, she could call me insecure.
Because I unmatched her, she could say, “See? He wasn’t man enough to reply! I knew he was weak!”
No matter what I did, she could use it as evidence that her story was correct.
There’s a line from the movie WarGames:
“The only way to win is not to play the game.”
You don’t have to defend yourself in a courtroom where the other person has already decided you’re guilty. You can walk away.
But then I wanted to make sure Molly and I weren’t blindly trusting our own thoughts either, so we tried the Byron Katie line:
“You might be right.”
So I said to Molly, “Let’s play around and see if there’s some truth to what she said. Am I ‘Temu Fifty Shades of Grey’? Compared to the rich billionaire Christian Grey in the movie, yes, absolutely I’m the Temu version. I don’t have billions of dollars, a mansion, a helicopter or some extravagant Red Room. Most of my sex toys weren’t even that expensive. So yeah, I’m Temu Fifty Shades—and honestly, I’m okay with that.”
We played around with the next thing she’d said. “Do I sometimes perform masculinity? Definitely. I enjoy playing with masculinity. I say “bro” and “dude” because I want other men to feel like I’m one of the guys. I sometimes put on a brave face and try to be strong. I try and be brave and confident and ‘manly’. I try not to appear too ‘weak’. We could say all of that is performative. Am I sometimes insecure about my masculinity? Yep. You bet! I think most men are; just like most women are insecure, too.”
So she may have been right about some of the evidence—but she was wrong about the conclusion.
“You sometimes perform masculinity” might be true.
“Therefore, you deserve to be mocked and humiliated” does not follow.
“You’re sometimes insecure” is true.
“Therefore, you’re weak, pathetic or undeserving of kindness” is just an extra story she added.
That was the biggest lesson:
Judgementalism is often correct evidence followed by an incorrect conclusion.
The deeper message underneath what she wrote seemed to be: “Being weak as a man is not okay.”
But why isn’t it okay? Are men never allowed to be human?
Sometimes I’m powerful. Sometimes I’m insecure. Sometimes I’m masculine. Sometimes I’m scared and need support. None of those parts make me less deserving of love or kindness.
This woman tried to hurt me and take me down a peg. Molly became angry because she loves me and felt protective of me.
We could have spent the rest of the night insulting this woman and feeding each other’s judgement of her. Instead, Molly and I moved towards compassion, curiosity and peace.
By the end, Molly said, “I love this lesson so much.”
And I realised: this woman gave us that gift. The lesson only exists because of her.
She tried to become our enemy, but accidentally became our teacher.
You don’t have to tolerate cruelty. You don’t have to fight, defend yourself or convince anyone.
You can gently move away. You can look for whatever truth might free you. You can be kinder to the next person.
And you can refuse to pass the pain forward.
Hope this helps one of you boys (and girls!) the next time someone judges you or says something designed to hurt you. ❤️
And in the words of that woman in the screenshot above – and I mean this genuinely to all of you guys and gals – “have a good day, god bless.”
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