Well I have failed to finish my second book in the year I gave myself. It’s been 14 months and I have no book. For it to be Pulitzer Prize worthy I’m going to have to hack at it for several more months, maybe even a year.
There was a time I rationalized staying here because I was saving money, but I’ve saved all the money I need and it’s time to move on. I gave my dad a month’s notice and he jumped up and down pretending to celebrate, but I know deep down inside he’s quite upset.
The obvious choice is to go to Colombia and finish the journey I started in 2007 before I pussied out. My Spanish is pretty decent and I can return to trying to get laid while having diarrhea, but you know what? Been there, done that.
I don’t want it to sound like I’m getting soft, because I’m not, but I’m tired of not having any conceivable reason to wake up every afternoon. I’ve decided my existence would be less shallow if I do something that has meaning and positively contributes to society. I looked on my world map and picked a country where not only can I do a lot of good, but stand out enough to easily slay the local woman.
I’m going to Ethiopia. I fly to Addis Ababa for three months on Earth Day, April 22. (I picked this date on purpose for symbolic reasons.) I will be volunteering at an orphanage to take care of youngsters who’ve lost their parents. This is a logical move for me since I have two little brothers and am very experienced in applying discipline on kids who get out of line and talk back. I don’t like to take out the belt but sometimes you got to or else the little bastards run all over you.
No I’m kidding, I’m not going to beat the kids, but I will not hesitate to use an elevated vocal tone when the four-month-old I’m feeding is crying even after he’s been burped, fed, and changed. Not only will I make a difference but I’ll also get my Ethiopian flag out of the way, and then when I return back to DC all I have to do to get bang stupid white girls who work at non-profits is tell them I saved starving African kids. For my Facebook profile photo I’m going to have someone take a picture of me bottle feeding the most sickly kid in the orphanage, looking deep into his big sad eyes with a look of both hope and despair. Hopefully there will be a fly resting right on his eyeball, though if not I can photoshop it in later.
Take that haters. In one swoop my life now has ten times more meaning than your material existence working in cubicles. While you continue to destroy the environment with your first-class lifestyle, I’ll be nurturing life into those who aren’t as fortunate. Say shit to me now…
