Human nature seems to compel each of us to want to be understood. Or maybe it’s our social conditioning. But whatever’s driving this desire, it’s through others understanding us that we feel seen, heard, known, and respected. But there is a fine line between seeking to be understood and seeking approval.
In fact, there’s really not a line there at all.
When Boss McStudly, the hot, wealthy president of the company says “Attention underlings: Do things this way from now on”, Mr. McStudly doesn’t explain himself. He simply expects that things will be done this way. Not only does he not need the acceptance and approval of his employees. He doesn’t care if his underlings understand him at all.
But when Mr. McStudly is having dinner with Elon Musk hoping Elon wants to invest some VC money into his company, and Elon says, “That’s curious. Why did you start doing things that way?”, our president is quick to explain and make sure Elon understands — Not simply accepts and approves, but understands. Studly wants Elon to not just see the merits of how he is doing things, but to know and understand the man who chose to do them, how that man thinks, and why.
The difference between these two situations is fairly obvious: Power.
Studly doesn’t care if his employees understand him, because his employees have no power over him. He has nothing to gain from them understanding him, except maybe a very slightly more compliant employee, when the majority of their compliance is already enforced through the employer-employee relationship anyway.
Meanwhile, Elon has power over Studly - something he wants - so Studly is quick to try to be understood.
Are you having trouble differentiating between the ideas of “I’m a powerful, established man who’s in charge here, but I want to be understood” and “I am the lesser in this interaction and am seeking approval and acceptance from someone superior to me”? I’ll bet you are. Because like I noted above, there’s really no distinction between the two.
Even if we take the very clear and obvious employer-employee and investor-investee relationships out of the equation and focus on regular human interactions, THIS DYNAMIC DOES NOT CHANGE.
When Mr. McStudly goes home to his wife, it sure would be nice if he could take comfort in the one person on this earth who actually understands him. Except she doesn’t understand him.
She complains that he works too much, that there’s never enough money, that there is too much to do around the house, that the children are difficult, that she wants more vacations, more fancy date nights, whatever. None of those complaints are actually about the issues she’s complaining about, mind you. Women just run their mouths to communicate how they’re feeling right now, with the particular topics they choose to speak about just being the backdrop.
In fact, maybe Studly’s wife is feeling good right now, so she doesn’t complain, cooks a pot roast, and spends most of dinner talking about how excited she is about her next book club meeting because she really liked this author’s previous book they read two months ago. The book club doesn’t matter so much either. She’s just running her mouth to communicate how she feels, hoping he’ll acknowledge her feelings, because this is how she connects with her husband.
Whatever’s going on in the Mrs. McStudly’s universe, one thing is abundantly clear: She does not understand her husband. Not one bit.
And if Stud were to come home talking about his lazy employees and his meeting with Elon, and prattle on about the workings of his company for half an hour, his wife would come out of the tail end of that conversation either very bored or very worried.
When her husband, the literal source of her very lifestyle and the father of her children, comes home running his mouth about work, trying to get her to understand him, what his day is like, and what he’s going through right now, this is concerning. What could possibly have caused her husband to come to her to seek her acceptance and approval? She doesn’t understand. He’s talking about work and about how he’s been thinking about and approaching various issues — why? What is he looking for from her? Why is he explaining himself to her? Why does he need her to approve of any of this?
The Red Pill tosses around a fun acronym about conversation for men in relationships: Never “DEER”. Don’t defend, explain, excuse, or rationalize.
The bigger-picture concept meant by this fun mnemonic is that talking too damn much creates the appearance of weakness, uncertainty, guilt, and approval-seeking. It sets off a woman’s alarm-hackles. Any man talking that much about something to his wife clearly feels uncertain or guilty or is trying to trick her or hide something from her.
The more you talk and explain, desperate to connect and feel understood, the more she pushes you away feeling like you’re begging for her acceptance and approval and wondering who the fuck she married.
Because there is no difference between trying to be understood for the purpose of connecting with her, and groveling to try to win her approval and acceptance. They are one and the same.
Seeking acceptance is generally regarded as a womanly thing. We don’t have to look any farther than our nearest internet connection to see every type of woman imaginable trying to be accepted.
Whether an internet woman pretends to be interested in the same radical issues as you while baking a cake with her boobs and showing off her collection of mom-sundresses, cross necklaces, and American flags, or whether an internet woman pretends to be radically opposed to the very existence of not just men like you but pretty much all men — these gals want their feelings acknowledged and engaged with. They actually don’t care that much if you truly understand them, only that you acknowledge their feelings and accept them. Half the time, there’s not a logical and coherent thesis to even understand anyway.
That’s what trying to be understood looks like to everybody else.
Nobody understands you. Nobody will ever understand you. Nobody wants to understand you, or cares. People are happy to talk to you about stuff, yes, but the harder you try to be understood, the more off-putting you become.
Only you understand you, and if you’re not very self-aware, you might only understand yourself a little bit. That’s something worth addressing. Because if you understand yourself, it doesn’t matter so much if anybody else understands you. That’s arguably the first building block of “frame” or being your own internal locus or whatever psychological silly words we’re using for this today.
The drive to find someone else who understands you ultimately comes from a place of weakness and uncertainty - a desire for approval and acceptance. Act accordingly.
