From the late-middle-aged lady who brought me this, I had the following enlightening conversation with her at work. She had returned from time off for surgery and talk got around to medical procedures.
“Did you know doctors will soon be able to do surgery through all your natural openings?”
“Really.”
“Yes, no more cutting you open. They’ll go through the nose… mouth…”
Uh, oh.
“vagina…”
O dear god.
“Can you imagine that? Going through your mouth!”
Think, Roissy, think. How do I stop this nightmare.
“… even the vagina.”
She said it again. This time she lets the i linger… vagiiiiina… as if she didn’t want the party to end. Stay calm. Don’t let the shock show. Don’t look down at her vagina.
“Recovery time would be a lot quicker if they went through your natural openings.”
Shit, I looked. Is that old camel-toe?
“This new technology is amazing. It has a name I can’t remember.”
Phew, a chance to escape. Just need to find a seamless segue into a new subject. “I think it’s similar to laparoscopy. I bet if they went through the nose they could get to your brain! Boy, that would be crazy. I don’t want to think about my brain falling out of my nose. Hey, it’s supposed to be a little warmer tomorrow.”
“I think for most surgeries it’s easier going through the vagina.”
Serenity now, serenity now.
“No scars, shorter healing time. The doctor could get to a lot through there!”
I’m catatonic. It’s my mind’s response to the existential threat of visualizing her vagina with hundreds of medical instruments shoved up it, kind of like that guy in the Guinness Book of World Records who smoked the most cigarettes at the same time.
She sighed. “Ah, well…”
Is it over? Yes, yes I think it is. Prepare to exhale.
“But you men have it tougher.”
She wouldn’t.
“Not as many natural openings. They’d have to go up the butt! hee hee.”
She would.
“All right, see you tomorrow… the butt… hee hee… hee…”
I believe Freud had something to say about repressed sexuality eventually finding its way out of the subconscious into the cold light of day by revealing itself in subcommunication and passive-aggressive behavior. Similar to the way bitter, undersexed men blurt out charmless, heavy-handed come-ons to love interests, perhaps older single women who’ve been deprived of cock for years betray their festering desire in talking about invasive surgical procedures and natural openings.
Regrettably, vagina is now off my list of words that give me wood when spoken by a cute girl.
