Following on from the dreaded Betaization post… we covered Testosterone here, but what to do about the hormone oxytocin? It makes you love, trust, care and feel happy.
Um…
Actually oxytocin kinda rocks. The whole point of a LTR or marriage is to feel that sense of closeness, trust, love and happiness together. You aren’t meant to actually fight that off, it’s what makes being together so enjoyable.
Plus so much of having Beta Male Traits is in fact a big positive for a relationship. Betaization isn’t so much a shift from Alpha Male Traits to Beta Male Traits on a continuum, but a loss of the Alpha Male Traits while you just happen to gain in the Beta Department. It’s quite possible to have both sets of traits at the same time (Gamma Male), or fail to have both sets at the same time (Omega Male).
The solution to Betaization is to allow the Beta Traits to kick in, but ensure you don’t lose the Alpha ones. You can however unwittingly turn off attraction by being a little too sappy. Some things to watch for.
Don’t Cuddle Up To Her So Much – Don’t misunderstand, you can and should definitely cuddle and hold each other, but there’s a subtle dominance difference between her laying her head on your shoulder and snuggling in your arms, than you doing the same to her. There can be a slight “mother and son” vibe when you snuggle up into her. All you need to do is say “come here and cuddle” and bring her into you. Easy fix.
No Baby Talk – Baby talk is vitally important to use with babies. Don’t baby talk with her. If you’re going to do something with your voice with her, drop it an octave once in a while. Women tend to respond to deeper male voices better than higher pitched ones.
Don’t Knit – Seriously, just don’t take up knitting. You’ll look gender questionable if you do that. Plus you’ll just look like your still living with your Mom because she held you back at homeschooling if you wear knitted crap these days.
Crying Watching Chick Flicks – Look I know that scene in Sleepless in Seattle where they finally get together on the top of the Empire State Building and Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan (WTF happened to her face?!?) just look at each other and… one sec… no I’m not crying about that, I was thinking about Dale Earnheart in Turn 4 of Daytona blocking traffic for his boy. You heard me, just gets to me once in a while, I’ll be fine. (Men can of course cry, just make sure it’s over something that’s real and counts.)
Don’t Stop Doing Everything and Anything Involving Male Interests – Okay maybe you don’t need to watch as much sports et al as you have been, but you also shouldn’t turn 100% anyway from male interests that you enjoy just because you have a LTR or marriage happening. Maybe extreme motocross riding is pushing it a bit far unless that’s your day job, but no reason you can’t get the blood pressure up racing at the proper go-karts. “Honey It’s the Superbowl not Valentine’s Day… yes I am ignoring you.”
Do Use Nonsexual Touch – Continue to actively touch you wife in a nonsexual way. Anything works, the hand on the shoulder, holding hands, backrubs and so on. But do it for the enjoyment of touch rather than as a means towards a close for sex. Do it in passing. These are all ways of stimulating her own oxytocin reaction. You are much better off having her just as interested and bound to you as you are to her. Women rarely cheat on a partner to whom they feel a strong pair bond attachment. It’s touch and go, touch and go, not touch and stand around waiting for more touch or a chance at sex. Unless of course you’re really horny and you’re basically just hunting to wear her down… yeah conflicting advice there. Hmmm.
Ten Second Kiss – The point of this is the same as nonsexual touch, except with the added benefit that you’ll be also slipping her a little dab of testosterone in your saliva which will increase her sexual interest.
Do Active Caring – Listening and emoting are all fine and good, but don’t fall into a pattern of trying to mimic feminine caring style. Be a little less of a Hallmark Card giver and more of the guy that fixes the sink or something. When your friend is in hospital having his whatisit looked at, visit him once and then leave and mow his lawn. Take a beer from his fridge and tell his wife to tell him that means you and him are even. That’s how Man Law works. One act of kindess, one beer. It’s even.
Get a Dog – If you’re not going to have kids and you’ve got all that sense of caring and love with no place to go, rather than displacing your baby craving attention onto her 24/7 and smothering her, get a good pet and you can more safely spend it on them. Having a dog is always a more guy thing than having something like a cat. Don’t get an exotic pet that can kill you like a snake either. Having a snake is creepy and it looks stupid when you walk them. Though admittedly you are pretty safe from getting mugged if you have a snake with you, so I’m not completely shutting the door on snakes.
Bump Back – It’s a good thing to be caring, to be sweet, and to be attentive… but if you catch a hint of disrespect, or being taken for granted, of disdain, of mocking laugher or frowning, you need to stop what you are doing for her and address it. You don’t need to yell, scream or hit or anything stupid like that, but you do need to make it clear that you are not going to be taken advantage of or continue being pleasant to her in the same manner. Importantly, marriageable guys are in short supply, you’re rarer than she is.
So there you go, 10 tips to avoid wandering into the land of the lame. You can very much care for and love your wife without turning into a sappy wimp.
Oh and when you sex her up, make sure you put your back into it.
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