Nice Guy Trap: Her Orgasm Is Not Your Responsibility

It’s a nice guy trap to think that you are somehow responsible for your wife’s orgasm.

The wife’s orgasms are up to her. It doesn’t mean she has to masturbate after being pumped and dumped on her side of the bed by an oaf of a husband night after night, it means that she can’t just lie there while you expect to magically divine and perform what it takes to get her off.

It used to be common that a woman lied to a man and faked an orgasm to let him think he was a wonderful lover, or simply to have the beast stop doing whatever the hell he was trying to do. Nowadays that’s just silly. The whole Harry Met Sally Orgasm In The Diner thing isn’t classic comedy, it’s epic fail. It’s literally shouting “I’m really skilled at getting myself bad sex that I don’t like”.

If she wants an orgasm she needs to take responsibility for them and say what works and what doesn’t and co-create them with you. If she doesn’t want an orgasm on a particular night, you shouldn’t feel the need to give her one. If she wants three, then work together for that. If she just wants you to have your fun and not try for an orgasm herself then just go for it. If you don’t go for it you’re on some level actually rejecting her sexually. 

Seriously think about that…

She: “Here’s my warm, wet, willing vagina. Have some fun.”

He: “But I don’t feel comfortable about that unless I get you off too. Tomorrow?”

She: “Fine.”

He: (thinks… “why doesn’t she want to have sex with me?”)

So if she doesn’t care about having an orgasm on any given night, you don’t care either.

She needs to hold up her end of the sex life of the marriage rather than you trying to do it all while she is passive. Not many women orgasm through intercourse alone and empowering her to find her way there with you opens up a lot of possibilities and energy into having sex together. More bluntly put, try some exploration of positions where you can be inside her and she can have a finger or two on her clitoris and get herself all the way there rather than the 70% mark….

…she will likely be loud about that.

Well… maybe not quite as loud as Meg Ryan… but then she won’t be overacting when she has an actual orgasm will she.

But coming back to the nice guy trap, too often nice guys want to take on her responsibilities for her. If you end up trying to wrestle this off her in hopes of pleasing her more, you simply won’t do as good a job as she could.

Spend some time figuring out what it is that you want to experience in bed.