Sexploration: When The Guy Is Hesitant

Reader:  Hi Athol! I’ve been lurking on your site for several months now and have really enjoyed it. Some of the principles you write about have really helped me through a rough patch in my own relationship, in which my boyfriend was basically being a beta doormat with his mother, who was trying to interfere in our relationship. Changing my behavior towards him (i.e. not nagging/demanding and being more supportive) has actually caused him to change his behavior towards his mom, I think, which I find fascinating (and am obviously really happy about).

Anyway, my question is on an entirely different topic. Around the same time that we were having issues with his mom, my boyfriend constantly denied my sexual advances, and when he didn’t he always wanted me to take charge, which felt very unnatural to me. At one point I asked him to take charge more, and he said he didn’t want to “dominate” me, that it would be “emotionally draining” for him, so I stopped being vocal about it. I actually considered ending our relationship because I thought maybe we weren’t sexually compatible, and I had started dreaming/fantasizing about other people, which is bad news (for the record, this relationship is going on 3 years, we’re both in our early twenties, and we were both virgins when we met). Here’s where it gets interesting, though: once I stopped being vocal, I just started being physical in a way that put me in the “submissive” role, and he started taking on the dominant role without even thinking about it. Turns out it’s quite natural for him, the sex is much better for both of us, he’s stopped turning down my advances, and the dreams/fantasies about other guys went away.

Here’s what I don’t understand: I do this thing where I put my arms over my head when we’re in the missionary position, and he’s actually started grabbing my arms and holding them there. To me, it seems like the next most logical step is to tie me up and really go at it. But when I proposed that to him the other day (I was rather embarrassed about it and almost didn’t want to ask), he said it wasn’t appealing to him because he didn’t want to feel like he was raping me. So I have two questions. First, do you think his resistance to experimentation is more of a mental block than anything? And second, if it is a mental block, how can I break through that block without feeling like I’m nagging? Ultimately I do not want to make my boyfriend do things he is uncomfortable doing, but it seems like he doesn’t know what turns him on until we just try it out. Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated!

Athol:  It sounds like he’ll like it in time, but it’s a little further than he feels comfortable with for now. I think you just have to continue doing what you’re doing in terms of putting yourself in a submissive position and he’ll warm to it more.

Some suggestions…

The next time he says “That would make me feel like a rapist” tell him you understand, but that “You can’t rape the willing… and I am very very willing.” Then smoosh yourself into him and purr like a kitten.

Show some obvious interest in bondage “stuff”.

Text him that you’re masturbating thinking about being tied up and him just taking you. Actually masturbate several times before he’s home / you get together and when he’s finally with you, just say, “I have to be fucked and fucked now.”

The whole thing with bondage is that you’re actually 99% in control when you’re tied up anyway. So all those restraints are 99% simply a metaphor for being overwhelmed and out of control, You’re not doing anything you don’t want to happen. As such, you can simply thread a scarf or something through the headboard (or where ever) and just hold onto the ends and not let go as your “bondage”. He may find it less intense that way and be more comfortable with it.