Young Wife, Older Husband, Mismatched Drives

Hi there,

27 and 47 is a huge age gap and a large part of your difficulty is just the age difference. You’re in your prime sexual years and he’s starting to wind down. Most men have a drop in sexual interest and ability starting after age 40. This is an issue that simply will not go away with time, but will in fact intensify. Imagine you at age 40 and him at 60 for example – should his diabetes progress badly over the next 13 years, he may not be capable of much at all sexually by age 60.

In many of these relationships the younger member leaves or strays, or the older one beats them to the punch and kicks out the younger one. That doesn’t sound rational, but it’s typically less painful to get mad and create a reason to kick out a partner, than to be dumped by them.

I think you have to have a very frank discussion with your husband about the situation. He may have even married you with the expectation that he would never be able to keep you, but married you for “as long as it lasts” and expecting to have his heart broken at the end of it all. I suspect he’s just crazy about you and is very frustrated about his body not being as co-operative as he would like sexually. He probably wants to want have sex with you lots, but he’s 47, so it may not always happen like he wants it too.

There are two things you can do for solutions. The first is that he needs to pay very close attention to his physical health and fitness. This is both for the diabetes management (which as I’m sure you know has a multitude of health concerns) but also because ultimately sex is about two bodies coming together physically. The healthier he is, the better his sexual function will be. There’s also a whole chapter devoted to male physical/sexual health in the book and that’s his number one area of work.

The other thing is to have you both accept that your sex drive is significantly higher than his and that it is not something that will ever resolve. It is quite possible to have experiences together where you are brought to orgasm and he doesn’t have to be. He can even be quite dominant to the point of bossiness if that turns you on, without needing to progress to him own orgasm. (My hunch is that being 27 married to a 47 year old, you are turned on by the power differential between you.)

By relieving the requirement for him to orgasm with every sexual experience, that allows him to be more sexual with you. If say he’s really only capable of two ejaculations a week, trying to have sex four times a week is going to result in at least two experiences of very embarrassing inability to get erect or come to orgasm. Most men find even an occasionally impotent reaction humiliating, even if causes are extremely clear and temporary (say extreme exhaustion + a few too many drinks). So by being open and removing that as a requirement, he is freed up to be sexual and play with you. He can get a great deal of enjoyment from your sexual reaction as well. There’s a lot of potential to mine the whole ability for him to tease and deny you his orgasm – simply because you’ve sucked him or been in your vagina, doesn’t mean he has to ejaculate unless he wants to… even if you are begging for it.

For an older husband with a younger wife, it’s really no different than owning a dog. A dog cooped up in the house all day is going to get cranky, bored and unfit, or you have to take it for frequent walks to keep the dog in shape and happy. Some days you can walk around the neighborhood together and both get a good walk in and both be happy. Some days you can drive to the park and the owner can stand still and toss tennis balls or a stick and have the dog go running after them and bring them back. Multiple times even (wink). That way the owner doesn’t have too work too hard but the dog gets a great workout and loves the owner paying attention. So they’re both happy.

And no you’re not a actual dog, and no he’s not your actual owner… it’s a metaphor. I just think you’d like the extra attention and being made to play “fetch” once in a while. And he’d be less worried about you wandering off somewhere at some random point in the future.