It took over six years but thanks to these two I can say with confidence that I’ve been to the grimiest bar in all of DC: Dan’s Cafe.
The main seating consists of a long cafeteria style table in the middle of the room. Against the wall are old wooden booths that appear to be collapsing, along with a jukebox, pool table, and half-a-dozen fake ferns hanging from the ceiling. The only light comes from various beer novelty signs, making everyone—including the scary looking bartenders—extremely attractive.
At Dan’s Cafe instead of ordering a drink, you pick a mini bottle of liquor hanging on a shelf towards the back. The “bartender” then opens the bottle and pours it into a glass. He gives you a bucket of ice, a mixer of your choice, an empty glass, and then tells you to sit your ass down and not cause any trouble. The only thing missing is a bulletproof shield around the cashier.
Since you are not paying for ambiance, the alcohol is priced with value in mind. My mini bottle of Absolut Citron cost $15. From that you can make 4 drinks, which at a yuppie bar would cost $32. Some of the cheaper bottles go for $10. I was severely inebriated within an hour.
I think it would be a good idea to take a first date here. Tell her you want to start the night in a cozy bar with character, then act like it’s the most natural thing in the world to be drinking from mini-bottles while trying to identify which bathroom the ultra-concentrated smell of urine is coming from (mens). This would be an excellent way to test her shallowness and girlfriend worthiness. Chill there for an hour then take her to a normal bar like the Reef nearby, which will seem like the Delano in comparison. My time is up here so I’ll need a brave male reader to do this and then report back for our entertainment. Obviously it has to be a player who dates often and doesn’t give a shit if he bombs on a first date, which he almost certainly will here unless the girl is under 24.
