Some years ago a buddy and I went to see one of those summer blockbuster movies. It happened to be on opening day so the theater was packed to the gills. We ended up taking the best two seats we could find which happened to be near the top and a few seats in from the aisle. Behind us were two morbidly obese women, with stringy hair, bad complexion and what I could only describe as cartoonish inset piggy eyes.
As the lights in the theater go down and the previews start to roll, each of these two ladies reach into their oversized purses and pull out a liter bottle of soda pop, a large bag of potato chips, and a oversized bag of candy. The first thing everyone around them heard was the hiss of the soda bottles opening. Next is was the crinkle of the chip bags. Finally, these two ladies start talking to each other, discussing the preview and which of the films they want to go see. This is all done in a dark and otherwise quite theater.
Do these two cows quiet down after the movie starts? Ha, you must be kidding. The two of them styled themselves as female versions of Siskel and Ebert (The tall skinny dude, and short fat one). A constant stream of drivel, plot commentary, and various forms of sexual talk about the men in the movie begins. Interspersed with all this verbal excrement are the sounds of two fat buffalo grazing. The open mouth chewing, the loud and heavy breathing, and don’t get me started on the other bodily functions going on.
All the people in the theater were limiting themselves to stares, glares, and other kinds of looks to try to inform these two hippopotami that their behavior was not socially acceptable. None of this did any good. Finally as the movie approaches it’s climax, my buddy turns around in his seat and says, ‘Would you fat cow just shut the fuck up!’ There was stunned silence from them and then one says weakly, ‘you shut up.’ At this point it was like a damn had burst. All the people around these two bitches started to cuss these two women out and support my buddy and the sentiments he had expressed. The two women left in a huff.
A skill I’ve developed over the course of several girlfriends is selective hearing. I recognize that there is a stereotype in Hollywood of the husband/boyfriend who might be watching TV or a movie and won’t hear their significant other when she’s talking. The misandrist message is that the boyfriend/husband is callous, indifferent, etc to the saintly woman’s plight. I believe nothing could be further from the truth.
The women in my life have forced me to develop this skill. Whether I’m reading a book, engrossed in a project, or watching TV or movie, invariably the women in my life will choose an inappropriate time to start nattering away at me. My LTR never waits until there is a commercial or a lull in dialog. Nope, it’s always in middle of something. Much of the time it’s because she hasn’t followed what’s going on in the show, or she’s asking why some event in the drama is occurring. It’s like her brain shuts off when she’s watching.
Friday night, the LTR and I are watching a movie. The LTR chooses this time to run a shit test on me. Seriouly, WTF? I just wanted to watch the damn show and drink my bourbon.
LTR: blah, blah, blah?
Al (turning the volume up on the TV): …
LTR: blah, blah, blah?
Al (hit’s pause): What?
LTR: If you could describe yourself in one word what would it be?
Al (rolls his eyes, hits play): …
LTR: No, seriously one word.
Al: I’m not playing this game. (in retrospect I realized should have just said, ‘asshole!’)
LTR: Well, what one word would you use to describe me?
Al: Are you serious?
LTR: Yes, give me one word.
Al: No.
LTR: Well, do you want to know the one word I would use to describe me?
Al: Nope.
LTR (pouty): Come on, play this game with me.
Al (looks at my LTR out of the corner of my eye): …
LTR: I would say I’m ???? (Al was no longer paying attention)
Al: No, that’s not it.
LTR: What?!?!?
Al: A better word would be Vain.
LTR: I know I’m vain, but you don’t have to say it.
Al (smirk): hmph.
Now, truthfully, I don’t believe I handled that as well as I should have. Not a total fail. I had the ignore part down pretty good, but the redirect was pretty weak. I still don’t understand this need women have to talk constantly while watching their chosen form of entertainment. I think I find it more annoying when I get interrupted while I’m reading. By the third time I’m starting the same paragraph I’m done answering silly questions.
