Strength of Purpose defines Masculinity.
Readership: Married Men; Marriage Minded Men; Mentors of young men;
Theme: Boundaries
Author’s Note: The contents of this post are the proceeds of an email exchange between me and Jack on 2024/1/31-2/1. Jack organized and compiled the content.
Length: 1,250 words
Reading Time: 6 minutes
The Inadequacy of Our Series on Boundaries
Views were up but readership was down for January, which indicates that there were some men who felt like the topic of Boundaries is old hat and skipped over it, while a few men are intensely interested in reviewing it and/or learning more about it.
At the conclusion of this theme of Boundaries, Jack expressed having a nagging sense of dissatisfaction with the project, as if we’ve missed something important. He wrote,
“At the beginning of the month, I had hoped to come up with a set of guidelines that would indicate when a man is lacking boundaries or when he needs to employ boundaries and what kinds of things need to be done to do this. Something like a starter pack for beginners who know nothing about Boundaries. I never accomplished this, and the reason it bothers me is because it is something that is sorely needed but I’m not sure it’s possible to come up with such a simple rule of thumb, “Boundaries 101 for Dummies”…”
Well… Jack is right. This is something that is ‘caught’ rather than ‘taught’.
Cloud and Townsend’s book, Boundaries, was written in 1992 and has been well covered. It’s been around long enough that I remember my mom reading it when I was a kid. Dr. Orion Taraban’s lectures in psychology are probably the best assessment of Boundaries that we currently have in terms of Red Pill awareness. We’ve always had the Bible, but the real life applications are not always so obvious.
All this information is within our reach, and yet, there remains something missing.
I think Jack’s nagging feeling is the result of the series not being tied together by a centralized concept related to a man’s purpose. But again, this cannot be done, as each man’s purpose is unique.
I believe the deeper issue is related to The Law of Exposure — Boundaries are without substance and are essentially meaningless… Unless they are practiced. Likewise, our study of Boundaries lacks teeth if men are clueless about what it all means to themselves individually.
So here I’ll attempt to sum it up for the dummies among us.
Applying Boundaries
As Jack pointed out, Masculinity is, at its core, about a man’s Boundaries. A man knowing what he will and won’t accept from others in life, and then being willing to both enforce the line and accept the results are at the core of being a man. Self-discipline, knowing yourself, placing expectations on her, addressing disrespect, dealing with intolerable behavior from her, walking away from a bad deal, and all the ‘rules’ that are designed to help facilitate walking away, are all for enforcing boundaries.
In fact, Boundaries are the framework of the Red Pill. Although Boundaries are usually identified as a foundational element of Christian living, they are a thing, no matter whether a man is a Christian or not. Most PUA tactics, like having two in the kitty, Pump first and Vet later, Spinning Plates, etc. are all strategies that help a man enforce his boundaries / prerogatives more easily. Interestingly, Dread Game, Emotional Detachment, Outcome Independence, and Tit for Tat, were once considered heathen strategies, but we’ve shown that they are, in fact, Christian. Also, some other stratagems that were once considered Christian, like altruism, mercifulness, and the willingness to sacrifice / suffer, have been shown to NOT be as Christian as we once believed, or at least, the context greatly matters in ways that we were not previously aware of.
The bottom line is about wisely playing the hand that one is dealt towards building on one’s purpose. What makes it Christian or not is whether that purpose glorifies the Lord. Nevertheless, Boundaries are happening, whether we recognize them and use them or not. It is the mark of a man to use them, and a man who calls himself a Christian who doesn’t use them is foolish and immature; clueless at best, or a wuss-tard at worst.
Teaching Boundaries to Sons
For what it’s worth as a “starter lesson for dummies”, here is what I am teaching my sons (9 and 11): “You are young men and young men need to be comfortable expressing what they like and want without hesitating.” They understand that they won’t always get what they want, but they need to understand that it is OK to express their own interests. This is the foundation that has to exist for building the next lesson, which is enforcing your own interests. The enforcement part takes some experience and wisdom to do, and as their father, it is my job to help them sort out those lessons.
Ironically, my boundaries on them, how they are to act as my children to protect our family name, what decisions they are allowed to make for themselves and which ones I make for them, and how much freedom they have in light of their current maturity level, all provide the safety net that allows them to make the essential mistakes that they need to learn and gain wisdom. When they stay within the boundary I’ve set, no mistake is really going to hurt them badly. The mistakes will sting enough to learn from them, but won’t do irreversible damage. That is real freedom.
The Takeaway for Dummies
If a man was never taught the lessons I am teaching my sons, then he’s behind the 8 ball.
The first step for a man like this is to believe that his desires, wants, needs, and interests matter.
The second step is to acknowledge that they matter more than those of other people (especially women’s), and that if he does not actively push those, no one else will.
I think those are the two largest mental hurdles, especially for men raised in Protestant churches.
At this point, the man can become a raging narcissist if he does not apply some guidelines around cooperation within his tribe (i.e. those within his sphere of influence) and a fierce dedication to his larger calling / purpose.
The other boundaries a man will need to work out are, in light of his mission, what are essential and non-essential tasks for that mission. The essential tasks get hard boundaries placed around them that are rigidly and aggressively enforced. The non-essential tasks have some wiggle room as these have some aspects of preference to them.
For example, I won’t drop what I am doing to help a stranger do manual labor, but I will do that for one of my buddies. Why? Because we respect each other’s mission and we know we can each accomplish more if we help each other out. Men who have this sense of commitment to purpose, even though they may not share the same purpose, are your brothers, your tribe.
Conceptually, these ideas are really easy to understand. In practice, a man who needs to learn boundaries has to grow a pair so that the give and take in his life is not all give and no take.
This is the major problem of the emasculated masses of modern Protestantism. How did we get from David taking names and counting foreskins to earn the trust of the King and to marry Michal, to men who are too timid to stand up to evil because turning the other cheek is a higher form of ‘Godliness’?
“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
John Stuart Mill
Related
- Σ Frame (Red Pill Apostle): Lessons on Life and Marriage from Matthew 10 (2021/9/20)
- Σ Frame (Red Pill Apostle): Developing Masculinity (2021/12/6)
- Σ Frame (Jack): Wandering in Search of God (2024/1/20)
- Σ Frame (Jack): Pressing Boundaries to form Trust in Social Interactions (2024/1/23)
