The Holey Triumvirate of Married Game: Preselection, Dread, Mate Guarding, and what I’ll call, Soft Autoerotic Voyeurism.

Readership: All; Men; Christian Married Men;
Theme: The Integrity and Fidelity of Marriage;  The Protestant Reformation 2.0: Resetting Masculinity;
Length: 1,400 words
Reading Time: 8 minutes

I found this post on Dodo Reactions, a YouTube channel.

img-1784774463-6a617f3f8667a3.12377850.webp

The main quote is this [augmented for clarity].

“One thing I came to notice coincidentally is that my wife will give me sexy time if she sees me getting close with another woman.  I am not talking in a physical sense, but when a woman comes to talk to me, gets flirty with me, I am 100% getting physical intimacy [from my wife that night].  The first time it happened, she seemed extremely nervous and afraid by my interactions with the other party.  After a few such cases, I came to understand she’ll have physical intimacy with me only when she feels threatened.”

“I intentionally put myself in situations where flirty interactions with other women happen, and it does wonders [for my marital sex life].  Not sure if I can call our bedroom dead after last week.  I know it’s scummy, but I guess that’s what drives my wife.  Truly off my chest.”

Some noteworthy comments followed.

img-1784774464-6a617f40c66fb2.76275724.webp img-1784774466-6a617f42765534.63593065.webp

The Holey Triumvirate of Married Game: Preselection, Dread, and Mate Guarding

What the author is describing is basically a combination of Preselection, and Dread, and the wife’s reaction is driven by the Mate Guarding instinct.

Let’s break this down further.

Preselection arises from a particular combination of the characters and the setting.  He has to do the hard work to make himself attractive, AND he has to put himself into situations where other women “see” him and respond to that.  It also has to be done in a manner and a place that is conspicuous to his wife.

Dread arises from the social context.  The inherent power dynamic gives the husband an edge, and it keeps her on her toes.

Mate Guarding — The wife faces competition against other women, so she has to up her game.

There’s another thing going on that I’ll call Soft Autoerotic Voyeurism (SAV), for lack of an available term.  This phenomenon was described (but not named, from what I can recall) by ye Olde Manosphere 1.0 as a somatic response that occurs when women become sexually aroused by seeing other people aroused or having sex, or even by watching animals mate.  In this case, the wife sees another woman being aroused by her husband, evident by her flirting and sexually objectifying her husband, and this causes her to feel aroused (towards him?).  Hard Autoerotic Voyeurism (HAV) would be a situation in which a woman gets turned on by actually watching other people strip, suck face, and engage in sexual relations.

Knowing how this works helps us understand why one commenter, and also the host at Dodo Reactions, pointed out that, to make this work, a man doesn’t even need to set up a social context in which other women are vying for him.  If you can tell a good story, it might be enough to get her riled and wet.  But seeing other women gaze at him with full-blown S1ut Eyes while licking their lips and running their fingers across his chest is a bulletproof method to get her into the mood.

img-1784774467-6a617f43a82760.14393176.jpg

Projective Counter-Identification

The interesting part of the discussion is that the husband feels scummy about all this (a testament to masculine honor), but the commenters point out how, in reality, he’s doing exactly what he should be doing to keep the fire stoked in his marriage.

In fact, I’d say the wife is the real scumbag in this instance.  She’s a scumbag because…

  • She fails to contribute the emotional elements of attraction to their marriage — no matter whether she’s actually feeling it or not — at least not often enough to keep his eyes on her and his balls tethered to her snatch.
  • She succumbs to jealousy — a very bad and destructive habit for marrieds to indulge in.
  • She only makes the effort to be physically affectionate and have sex with her husband when she is motivated by jealousy / Mate Guarding, and not regularly as a sacrament of marriage.

So, it takes sociosexual interactions involving perceived sexual competition, like the one described, to motivate her to fulfill her marital obligations.

Moreover, the husband only feels like a scumbag simply because he’s married to one, and because thus, he has to do “scummy things” (in his simple-minded, Red Pill lax view) to keep her gamed up and laid down properly.

In psychology, the husband feeling scummy is called Projective Counter-Identification — where Person B (e.g., a therapist, or the husband in this case) unwittingly assumes the feelings and roles projected outward by Person A (e.g., a patient, or the wife in this case), to the point where Person B identifies with or unwittingly acts out this role (e.g., acting, being, or feeling scummy in this case).

From a Christian standpoint, this behavior is typical for spiritually immature wives, and despite the inherent pathology and the questionable morality, it’s how they need to be handled — at least until they get burned out on jealousy, grow tired of the games, and grow up.  Some do, some don’t, and some take a long, long time — years or even decades.  And husbands can’t always know how long she’s going to take before she becomes a mature Christian spouse.  This is why, I believe, it is faithful and righteous for such men to do so, until such a time comes to pass.

Conscientious men might think of this as “keeping this marriage spicy (or salty)”.

img-1784774469-6a617f4508b768.84866171.webp

Jack’s Supporting Anecdotes

I discovered this same phenomenon a few years ago.

Case Study 1: Jill’s Coworkers

My wife is a high-asset saleslady.  (By ‘high-asset’, I mean, a single sale is a transaction involving hundreds of thousands of USD.)  Whenever I would go visit my wife at her workplace, her female coworkers (also high-asset salesladies) lavished me with attention (just for the fun of it, I guess).  They would laugh at all my witticisms and play flirty games with me.  They would stand really close to me, full-frontal stance, touching my arms and hands, gazing at me for the longest time with smiley kissy lips and fluttering, lovey-dovey eyes.  They sang teasing innuendos, like “What would you like to have?  Coffee, tea, or ME?”  They would invite me into the restroom to talk and have a smoke with them.  These women were in their 40s, 50s, and 60s, many of them divorced, some with grown children, so they felt pretty comfortable with all this banter.  (In case readers don’t already know, high-asset, sexperienced salesladies are the grand-champion world masters of this sort of seductive social intercourse.  It’s a highly valued, and very lucrative job skill.)  After this, my wife would be very irritable for the rest of the day, partly because her coworkers were doing this to get-one-up on her and to tease her (just for fun), and partly because of the insecurity she felt as a result.  (Her irritability was hard for me to tolerate at times.)

But sure enough, that night she’d strip and grind and f_ck me — and f_ck me HARD! — as if she thought that by doing so, she could ‘repossess’ me and vindicate me from her coworkers.  (Actually, she does, from a psychological viewpoint.)  I wonder if her colleagues know that this is the result of their flirtatiousness.  (I suspect they do, and that this is part of their motivation for doing so.)

Meanwhile, I’m thinking, “Thank God!  I finally got some yearnestly SINcere sex from my “WIFE” to maintain the ‘sacrament’ of my ‘marriage’!”

After a while, I learned that whenever my wife has been out of sorts for a while, and I need some poon-pocket action, all I have to do to get my wife into the mood is just go visit her workplace.  Simple, irritating and troublesome, but effective.

Case Study 2: Teenaged University Students

Once or twice a month, I’ll meet some of my students at a coffee shop near campus and have a talk with them.  Sometimes they invite me, other times I invite them.  Those who come to our meetings are mostly girls, seldom any guys.  They want to practice their English, and get some attention from a handsome professor.  My wife doesn’t object to this, but I can tell that it does set her on edge; especially when we take photos and she sees me surrounded by college-aged girls.

img-1784774470-6a617f46322171.29379451.jpg

But sure enough, that night, or the next evening, my wife will be wearing a negligee and grinding on my lap until I get bothered enough to ram her vagabuns.

And that is how I keep my marriage spicy (or salty).

Related