Let’s continue our polemic against certain deeply held hidebound views among a considerable segment of our population, as expressed by several recent past posts by me, and our ongoing examination of said themes therein…
I have suggested, that a major stumbling block for many Black Women in the mating game, is that they have been exposed to, and have accepted, a set of ideas that have proven highly ineffective; in more simpler terms, I have said that it does Sistas no good to attempt to ape “Ms. Ann”-another way of saying, “White Women”.
That’s quite a provocative statement, Obsidian! Care to clarify a bit?
My pleasure.
What I meant by that statement was, that in many ways, Black Women simply cannot use the same kind of “model” that their White counterparts use, because their reality is wholly different from White Womens’ reality. Therefore, it can only end badly for so many Black Women, when they attempt to do what Ms. Ann does in these areas.
For example, even in the midst of rapidly changing times, a White Woman coming out of college today, can still reasonably expect to marry if she so desires it, to a White Man who also had the college experience, by or before the age of 30. This is simply not the case for Black Women-as is commonly known and accepted in these parts, the ratio of college educated Black Men to Black Women is considerably lopsided. This is important, since college is and has been for quite some time, the de facto mating ground for America’s young people. Indeed, when it comes to Women, one of their unspoken hopes and aspirations in attending college in the first place, is to meet a guy who they might marry. And this is no less true of Black Women.
Indeed, it is this crushing reality for Black Women that fuels a goodly bit of their angst and anger; most Black Women attend more “mainstream” universities as opposed to the HBCUs, and thus get to see, firsthand, what their White sisters do or at the least, can do-and it is only natural to compare that to themselves, and/or other Black Women they know. Hence, all the attention Sistas in this cohort, which is quite considerable, gets from the Chattering Class.
But it doesn’t stop there; in addition to Sistas tending to attend more “Whiter” colleges than do Brothas in aggregate, they most certainly have more “access” and exposure to the “White world” than do Brothas in aggregate, too. Therefore, they get to see, firsthand, the possibilities of said world, moreso than do Brothas, and again, we need to keep in mind here, that yes I am generalizing for the sake of making a larger point clearer. There are always exceptions, but they don’t address our topic today. Anyway, for many Sistas, as I’ve said, they get to see things that many Brothas may not-yet, in so many ways, they can’t really participate in said world, fully. To this end, I have a great degree of empathy for my Sistas. It must feel like a cruel joke, I imagine.
So, this is why I say, that for so many Sistas, attempting to ape “Ms. Ann” is a losing strategy, for very simple reasons: most Brothas don’t go on to college. So, right off the bat, there’s a real issue Sistas have to contend with that their White sisters, even in our time now, do not.
Then, as I’ve noted above, there’s the all-important attitudinal component to this piece-and here I have to say, that I continue to be amused by just how often we neglect this very important aspect of the human condition when discussions like these comes up. We forget that aside from brass tax items, there is also a whole complex of emotions, feelings, expectations, entire worldviews, that attend such things. This is why, when it comes to the current discussion, so much of what I say will come across as very difficult for some Sistas to understand and/or accept.
And here again, I can dig it. It’s tough to be asked to let go of one’s dreams and aspirations, especially when you not only get to see said things become a reality for others, but you’re close enough to them everyday to taste it for yourself. A big part of the college experience, for Women, and in this case Black Women, is one where the world of possibilities is wide open. And in many ways, it is. But if all the data and stats are any indicator, we cannot say the same for Black Men.
It is here that, for my part, Black Women might want to consider having a bit of empathy for their Brothas; for while it is true that aping Ms. Ann isn’t something that is viable for many Sistas, it is also true that entire areas of human endeavor are all but closed off to Black Men as well. Many Black Women may see the world of possibilities; so many Black Men never see it at all, or if they do, they are told in ways big and small, overtly and implicit, that they are not wanted or welcomed. Small wonder then as to why so many of them “disappear”.
The bottomline here is that Black Women, if they wish to be successful in the game of love, have to learn to think outside the box. They have to consider other things that makes for a viable mate, because the current model they are seeking simply doesn’t work, if it ever did.
And by no means am I saying this will be easy for Black Women, or fair; it most certainly is not, on both counts. Simply put, Women as a group aren’t outside the box thinkers; they tend to follow the herd. Bucking the system is a very painful thing for Women to do, and those who understand Game know why this is (think about it-the term “outlaw” doesn’t immediately bring to mind a female image, does it?)
But if Black Women want a different result, they cannot keep doing the same things. They have to actually try DOING something different. One thing they can do, is to deeply consider that what they’ve been led to believe in, isn’t something that doesn’t work out so well for them in the areas of love, romance and the like.
For my part, I think it would do Sistas well to chuck the idea of what I call “me Tarzan, you Jane” thinking. Such crude gender roles, as well as unrealistic expectations, don’t really work out so well for Black Women, for the reasons already stated.
I could say more, but I’ll hold here. Besides, the best thoughts expressed tend to show up in the comments!
Comment & reply, holla.
The Obsidian
