Disarming the Narcissist (2021) is a practical guide that teaches readers how to manage and communicate with narcissistic individuals using empathic confrontation, boundaries, and schema-informed strategies.
Notes
About the Author:
Wendy T. Behary is a licensed clinical social worker, expert in schema therapy, and founder of The Cognitive Therapy Center of New Jersey.
1. Framing The Situation: Understanding Narcissism
Narcissists are not just arrogant; they often have deep insecurities masked by defensive patterns and emotional armor.
the truth is that he actually longs for a deeper and much more profound connection—a need that he simply cannot realize, comprehend, or accept. He’s likely to view the idea of an emotionally intimate connection as weak and pathetic. As a consequence of his unrealized longings, which he considers unacceptable, his needs are misguided, so he can only seek your attention through charming yet unnerving behaviors.
🙋🏼♂️ Lucio’s note: I’m unconvinced this is 100% accurate
While it may be true for some narcissists, I also feel it’s a mix of pop-psychologizing, ‘naive take’, and potentially subconscious revenge-seeking that seeks to frame the dominant narcissist as weak.
The authoritative Handbook of Trait Narcissism for example states that grandiose narcissists are ‘low on need for intimacy’, suggesting the opposite is true.
Core Characteristics of Narcissists
- Grandiosity and entitlement – They believe they’re superior and deserve special treatment.
- Lack of empathy – They struggle to connect with others’ emotions.
- Sensitivity to criticism – Even mild feedback feels like a deep wound.
- Control and manipulation – They exert power over others to maintain superiority.
Healthy Narcissism.
Healthy narcissism supports self-respect, assertiveness, and the ability to express needs without trampling on others.
In childhood, narcissistic traits like demanding attention or acting out are developmentally normal, helping the child secure care and protection.
As adults, people with healthy narcissism are confident, driven, and often influential—but they remain grounded. They may seek recognition, but their goals are guided by empathy, integrity, and purpose.
They can lead, confront, and stand up for themselves—without arrogance or cruelty. At their best, they inspire others, form deep connections, and make a lasting positive impact.
2. The Impact on You
- Self-doubt and confusion – Victims often question their own worth and reality.
- Walking on eggshells – Avoiding topics that may provoke narcissistic rage.
- Loss of identity – Constant accommodation leads to self-erasure.
- Sense of loneliness
A client who was married to a narcissistic man said that she found herself less lonely when he traveled (…) his inability to be emotionally available left her feeling far more lonely and deprived.
He was immersed in an evasive strategy of emotional silence. To him, any exposure of his vulnerability would feel like a fusing of the two of them in some needy and dependent way. This is unthinkable for the narcissist, whose mission is one of sovereign self-reliance.
2. Schemas and The Brain
This chapter explores how narcissism develops from unmet childhood needs and early relational traumas. Narcissists often had inconsistent or conditional caregiving, leading to intense inner pain they mask with false superiority.
Developmental Roots
- Unmet emotional needs – Especially for empathy, validation, and safety.
- Conditional love – Praised only for achievements, not authentic self.
- Insecure attachment – Alternating between craving closeness and fearing it.
Schemas: Definition & Common Narcissistic Schemas
Behary introduces the main “schemas” (deep mental patterns) that drive narcissistic behavior and defenses.
- Entitlement/Grandiosity – Belief in being above rules and others.
- Insufficient self-control – Poor frustration tolerance; seeks instant gratification.
- Mistrust/Abuse – Assumes others will hurt, manipulate, or deceive.
- Defectiveness/Shame – Hidden sense of being unlovable or broken.
- Unrelenting Standards – Perfectionism used to gain approval and avoid shame.
Full Schemas List
- Emotional Deprivation: The belief that one’s emotional needs will never be met by others — that no one will truly care, listen, or understand.
- Abandonment: The fear that significant others will leave, die, or abandon them — emotionally or physically.
- Mistrust/Abuse: The expectation that others will intentionally hurt, abuse, cheat, or take advantage.
- Social Exclusion: Feeling fundamentally different from others and not fitting in socially or emotionally.
- Defectiveness/Shame: A core belief of being flawed, unlovable, or bad — often tied to deep shame and fear of rejection.
- Failure: The belief that one is fundamentally inadequate and will fail in achievement-based domains like work or school.
- Dependence/Incompetence: Feeling unable to handle everyday responsibilities or solve problems without help.
- Vulnerability to Harm or Illness: A chronic fear that disaster (medical, financial, natural) is always looming and that one cannot prevent it.
- Enmeshment/Undeveloped Self: Feeling overly involved with or emotionally dependent on others — to the point of losing one’s own identity.
- Subjugation: The belief that one’s needs or desires must always be suppressed to avoid anger, retaliation, or abandonment.
- Self-Sacrifice: An excessive focus on meeting others’ needs at the expense of one’s own, often driven by guilt.
- Approval-Seeking/Recognition-Seeking: Placing excessive importance on gaining approval, recognition, or attention — often at the cost of authenticity.
- Negativity/Pessimism: A pervasive focus on the negative aspects of life — expecting disappointment or failure.
- Emotional Inhibition: Suppressing emotions to avoid disapproval, embarrassment, or loss of control.
- Unrelenting Standards/Hypercriticalness: The belief that one must meet high internalized standards to avoid criticism or failure — often resulting in perfectionism.
- Punitiveness: The belief that mistakes should be harshly punished — both for oneself and others — with little room for forgiveness.
Why Schemas Matter
- Schemas shape reactions – The narcissist’s behavior is predictable once you know their schemas.
- Schemas are targetable – You can interact differently based on the schema driving the moment.
5. Empathic Confrontation: Disarming the Narcissist
This chapter introduces the book’s core strategy: using empathic confrontation to get through narcissistic defenses and promote healthier interactions.
Empathic Confrontation Defined
- Validating emotion + holding accountability – “I understand that was hard for you, but that doesn’t make it okay.”
- Speaking to the pain behind the armor– Address the wounded inner child, not just the inflated outer self. <— 🙋🏼♂️ Lucio’s note: I found these formats stereotypical ‘therapist talk’, they felt overly scripted for normal life and ‘fake’. Also, they wouldn’t always be effective in my opinion
- Acknowledge the mode – Identify if the narcissist is in Angry Child, Detached Protector, etc. <— 🙋🏼♂️ Lucio’s note: these felt very power-movey and I think they’d annoy most people, especially dominant personalities. I also think they wouldn’t be wrong to be annoyied as they felt ‘pscyhologizing power moves’
Goals of Confrontation
- Protect your boundaries – Assert yourself without hostility.
- Break defensive cycles – Interrupt power struggles or shutdowns.
- Encourage self-awareness – Gently highlight distorted thinking or unfair behavior.
Sample Scripts
- “I get that this feels unfair to you, and I want to understand your reaction. But yelling shuts down the conversation.”
- “You seem hurt underneath the anger. Can we talk about that without blaming?”
6. Parenting with a Narcissist
This chapter provides specific strategies for co-parenting or parallel parenting with a narcissistic partner or ex-partner. The priority becomes the child’s well-being and your own sanity.
Key Principles
- Use structure and predictability – Kids need consistency even if the narcissist is erratic.
- Don’t engage in drama – Keep communication minimal and fact-based.
- Protect the child’s experience – Avoid speaking negatively about the narcissistic parent, but validate what the child feels.
- Protect the child from the burden of performance – Some narcissists will push children too hard, and starve them for love.
- Narcissists may ‘Subjugate children to a legacy-driven future‘, ie. “you will join my law firm one day, of course”
Legal and Emotional Safety
- Keep records – Document exchanges and incidents neutrally.
- Use third-party apps – Tools like OurFamilyWizard reduce conflict.
- Educate the child – Age-appropriate conversations about emotions and boundaries.
7. When to Leave
This chapter reframes the narcissistic relationship as a dysfunctional “dance” and in some cases, the narcissistic relationship is too toxic to repair. This chapter explores how to know when to leave and how to do it safely.
You must make the move because, the author says, narcissists do not typically end the relationship, despite threats of doing so.
Signs It’s Time to Go
- Repeated boundary violations – Even after clear confrontation.
- Escalating emotional or physical harm – Safety becomes the top priority.
- Complete emotional depletion – You feel numb, trapped, or broken.
More Wisdom
How male and female narcissists differ
Women can be narcissistic too, but they tend to express these traits mostly within the domains of personal appearance or vanity, the status of their children or household, and their value as caregivers. In addition, narcissistic women are inclined toward more covert manifestations of this syndrome. They are likely to show up as martyrs, whiners, and gratuitous victims.
Of course, you will also meet grand dames and divas, who look more like their male counterparts in their aggressive quest for attention and admiration.
Spot a narcissist based on his reaction to your isssues
When my dad was very ill and eventually dying, my selfsacrificing clients actually felt guilty coming in for their sessions, despite my repeated reassurance that I really wanted to be there for them. On the other hand, my narcissistic clients often seemed visibly annoyed if I arrived at a session a little late after leaving the hospital.
QUOTES
On preparing yourself before responding to a narcissistic mother:
Before responding, you remind yourself that you love your mother, though you’re not always sure why <— 🙋🏼♂️ Lucio’s note: This made me smile :D. But I also don’t see why you should be loving, love her, or seek your mother’s love and quality time with her, if you don’t even see why
Funny quote on narcissism’s big business:
In the process, terms and phrases such as “narcissism,” “sex addiction,” and “lack of empathy” have boldly appeared in the headline of many an article or broadcast (boosting my book sales, thank you very much).
🙋🏼♂️ Lucio’s Analysis
Overall, I wished for more scientific grounding, for a broader breadth of resources, and for more strategies and tactics based on power dynamics and personal empowerment.
Potentially naive
Says the author in the first chapter:
Most narcissists are not “evil” or “bad” at a deeper level, no matter how they treat us. If you can learn to assert your rights while simultaneously working hard to reach the vulnerable, lonely core of the narcissist in your life, you stand a much better chance of bringing out the side of your partner that can love and care for you.
The whole book is built on its premise: talk to that poor little child inside, and you may turn your narcissist into a loving man.
Most narcissists are not evil, but I still couldn’t help to feel this premise was naive. And that, despite the good intention, it could lead some readers to dealing with narcissists from a position of low power that may only make them bigger victims.
Sometimes ineffectively low power & too ‘vulnerable’
This is what the author offers as a script example talking to a supervisor:
Here’s another example, this time using an interaction with a supervisor: “It’s not very easy for me to say this because I’m aware of my long-standing tendency to do what I’m told, <— 🙋🏼♂️ Lucio’s note: Unecessary, potentially disempowering
even if I don’t agree or if I have another, possibly better solution.
Sometimes I’m overly invested in your approval of me. <— 🙋🏼♂️ Lucio’s note: Unnecessary in many business organizations
However, I want to propose that we improve our marketing efforts in this way… I also think that you and I should have regularly scheduled meetings to measure the progress on this project. <— 🙋🏼♂️ Lucio’s note: Lacks power protection, many bosses would push back on this just because it oversteps authority boundaries
The current process leaves me feeling invisible and sometimes unfairly criticized, <— 🙋🏼♂️ Lucio’s note: Therapist talk, can feel weak. If goals are priority, you must frame your requet based more achieving goals, and less based on how you feel
even though I’m sure that isn’t your intention.” <— 🙋🏼♂️ Lucio’s note: Unnecessary
It’s the perfect ‘therapist talk’, and may work great talking to your schema therapy supervisor. But it can be miscalibrated in most organizations.
I wouldn’t recommend this approach, and especially not for men and in private organizations. In many private organizations, and especially in competitive or masculine environments, this style can lower perceived status or authority.
Ignores evolutionary roots of narcissism
Like many popular books on narcissism, Disarming the Narcissist misses out on the insight that evolutionary psychology provides.
Contrary to what the book suggests, narcissism may not be maladaptive for the narcissist.
In many cases there may be no ‘wounded little child’ inside, but a darker core of power hunger, and callous selfishness because… That may work better from an evolutionary perspective.
See:
- Advantages of narcissism, and how to use it
Schema therapy alone is limiting
The book uses schema therapy and psychotherapeutic frameworks.
While these can be helpful, it’s also limiting to put all your eggs on a single approach.
REVIEW
Disarming the Narcissists is a book developed around a specific clinical approach and largely built on the premise that narcissists can change, and those are both its strengths and its main limitations.
While the author is not naive and clearly states many narcissists don’t want to change and will laugh at your empathic communication, the book still largely relies on that approach.
I have some reservations about a book developed to change 2% of narcissists who want and will change, when 98% won’t.
Finally, although I may agree with the author that this book can work for both men and women, it seems to me better suited for women.
And I wouldn’t necessarily recommend men, and especially the type of ambitious and smart men reading TPM, to copy the book’s communication scripts.
Check our most recommended books and the best books on narcissism
Disarming the Narcissist Summary: Strategies for Thriving
Disarming the Narcissist (2021) is a practical guide that teaches readers how to manage and communicate with narcissistic individuals using empathic confrontation, boundaries, and schema-informed strategies.
URL: https://thepowermoves.com/disarming-the-narcisssist-summary-review/
Author: Lucio Buffalmano
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