Relationships are the most important part of life in China. They include family especially, but also connections with bureaucrats and officials, with business men and women, and with all and sundry who might enhance one’s face or who have the potential to be an ally in the future.
The primary mechanism for networking and deal-making, social and business, is the dinner party, where a few select friends and acquaintances get together at a restaurant and absorb excessive quantities of food and alcohol.
On weekdays, this usually means the party winds up by 9 pm or so, and even on weekends only the diehards carry on at the bar or a KTV (karaoke club). The standard Western house party which ends at 3 a.m. is virtually unknown here. However, the early start and end to the festivities in no way minimizes the amount of alcohol that is consumed – shit-faced is the predictable outcome; the booze never stops coming. Gan bei, the Chinese version of cheers, means dry glass, and they’re not kidding – there’s an entire protocol to be followed with each downing of a glass of beer.
During these outings, business deals are discussed and negotiated, but also much social business takes place, including arranging dates, hook-ups, and even marriages, often through one of the group acting as an intermediary. More on that in a bit.
Many restaurants in Benxi are not recognizable as such by Western standards – there is often no main dining room, just a kitchen and a series of private rooms of varying size. Karaoke clubs also are strictly private rooms only, and everything is available – food, alcohol, girls, killer sound system, English songs, etc. Although no one has mentioned it, I would not be surprised if that list included boys (young men, at least) too. Drugs seem to be verboten though; if there’s a drug scene here, I haven’t seen it, and given the nature of Chinese law (death penalty anyone?) I want no part of it.
My most recent experience of such a dinner party came courtesy of Mr. T, an official who supervises the Chinese English teachers in my district – a dozen primary schools and roughly a hundred or so teachers. I have had dinner at his home previously. Mr. T is reasonably intelligent and bilingual, a man who cultivates and collects relationships the way some gardeners cultivate rose bushes – with meticulous attention to detail, grave concern for each branch, stem and leaf, and with a clear eye towards (his own) long-term goals. He recently purchased a brand new vehicle (made in China) so life is clearly agreeing with him.
We enjoyed a feast of bone marrow, which is sucked out of the large leg bones of pigs using a straw. It ‘s a house specialty of the restaurant we were at. Our other dinner companion was a young man (24) visiting his parents while on a break from university in Beijing, where he will graduate this spring. His father is the president of the local law court, and thus very powerful – the young man told me their home is stuffed with bottles of expensive bai jiu and cigarettes, courtesy of those his father is in position to benefit.
An extremely pretty and exotic young woman was part of our waitressing team, and when I mentioned how attractive I thought she was, Mr. T wasted no time in providing an introduction. The girl and I exchanged smiles, a bit of chit-chat, phone numbers and QQ ID (kind of like Skype, only better), and I have since chatted with her on-line a couple of times – strictly in Chinese, her English is minimal at best.
Mr. T advised me that relationships in Benxi, particularly if a foreigner is involved, must use a third party to negotiate terms of engagement, including arranging for the girl to spend the night with the man if both parties are willing – the chief detail being cost. When I told my companions that hook-ups in the West are trivial, private and effectively anonymous – a connection somewhere, a few drinks, etc. – they were shocked that no money changes hands. ‘She doesn’t ask for money?’ Mr. T asked me, somewhat incredulously.
With the agreement of the young man, Mr. T told me it is completely within the realm of normal behavior here for girls to accept one-night ‘dates,’ particularly with powerful, wealthy older men, in exchange for cash and/or favors, and that even married women are often available for such trysts. It’s only natural, he pointed out. In fact, a teacher (married with child) who I work with has offered some hints which, when I explained them to Mr. T and the young man, were in their eyes clear evidence that she is seeking some sort of sexual adventure. Female consent is the controlling factor – husbands and fathers are secondary considerations, to the best of my knowledge, for females who are of age.
Mr. T went to great lengths to explain that I must use him (or another reputable Chinese) as an intermediary for any such relationship. As a foreigner who has no ties to the city, there is nothing to stop me from mistreating someone and immediately leaving town or the country if I choose – mistreatment being considered as the failure to show a woman and her family the appropriate respect (through honorable behavior and cash payments, mainly). Also he advised I am a poor candidate for marriage for the same reasons, and thus unlikely to be seriously considered or pursued by any local females. I have heard opposing views, however, primarily concerning Chinese women who are seeking a ticket to the West.
While we were having this conversation, he was on the phone with another woman, a 35-year-old divorcée, who expressed these sentiments to him when he asked her if she was interested in meeting or dating me. As he put her feelings, no woman wants to become involved with a man who is free to get up and walk away whenever he feels like it. I somewhat sarcastically suggested he ask what guarantees she could offer that she wouldn’t divorce me too down the road, but he refused to even ask her.
As for the young man, he’s headed for an American university this summer to pursue a Master’s degree, which is a stunningly expensive proposition for a Chinese, indicative of the wealth his family holds. He wanted advice on improving his English and on Western culture, so I told him to read The Spearhead, enjoy the scenery, and stay the hell away from the women.
