As I expected, my recent post, “Men At Work” elicited numerous replies and comments, running the gamut of opinion and this is something I welcome. Let a thousand flowers bloom and all that.
One thing that continues to fascinate and amaze me about people, is in just how little they question their own assumptions. I’m not necessarily knocking anybody here, we’re all prone to doing this; the human condition is such that it is often quite myopic. And history has shown us that it takes a deliberate effort to expand beyond one’s one parochialism in order to see the bigger picture.
This post will attempt to make plain what I said in the last post of the same name, as well to address some of the concerns other commenters have made therein.
Ok, so let’s get to it…
First we have to understand, that we humans are no different from all other forms of life on this planet, in that we are subject to our environment and our success or failure as a species will depend on our ability to adapt to the demands and changes of said environment. Indeed, of all the planet’s forms of life, humans have shown a marked tendency to be among the more adaptable; we exist, live and many cases, thrive, in just about every corner of the Earth, often for centuries. There are entire species of other forms of life on our planet, who wasn’t so lucky. The dinosaurs easily come to mind.
Simply put, we do what th environment allows. When it comes to the topic of this and the previous post of the same name then, it means that when Men were able to be sole breadwinners, they did that. It doesn’t take a historian however to see and know, that the Male as sole breadwinner model has long been in decline-easily three decades if not more-and that the current changes to our social environment suggests that it will change, yet again. In its simplest terms, this means that the breadwinner model, as a means of signalling fitness and worthiness as a mate, is fast becoming a non-factor for Men in our time. This is due to a number of forces-not only have Women gained greated access to formal education and economic freedom, but so too has the more “manly” fields have gone into decline, due to outsourcing and the inexorable march forward technologically. And we are beginning to see this “seeping” trending upwards-as I noted previously, it is not at all uncommon to see solidly
middle class, White Collar Men now out of work, their fates being the same as their Lunchpail brethren-being the victims of circumstance, outsourcing, and ever-increasingly morphing tech. The assumption that earning a college degree was a viable hedge against being unemployed, is something many of those Men are no doubt giving a serious rethink to, as they now begin to share the same unemployment line as Joe Sixpack.
And that trend, as the economy continues its contraction/correction, will continue.
This has to have a serious and profound effect on how these and other Men are to signal their worthiness as mates; if your an anthropologist type, one that is a lover of watching how animal life gets on (or not) with one another, you understand well that at the end of the day, said species lives or dies on its ability to get together or not. We know the social environment no longer supports a Man being the breadwinner in aggregate.
So now what?
Well, from where I sit, several things.
One of them will reside in how Women will choose to respond. On this point, there has been much speculation-but I think we have a bit of evidence, however anecdotal it may be, to give us some clues as to what we can expect in the very near future:
1. For one thing, Women’s criteria as to what they find desirable in a mate will considerably change. Since the Man as Breadwinner model is fast becoming obsolete, other factors will take centerstage; in simplest terms, these “other factors” can be taken together to be classified as Game, that constellation of habits, behaviors and traits that have been shown to have the most appeal to the most numbers of Women overall. Although Game can and often does occur naturally among Men, it has also been shown and proven that it can be acquired and indeed taught; stories abound of Men who were able to learn enough Game to significantly change their love lives for the better, at a fraction of the cost and time that it takes to go the more traditional Male as Breadwinner route, such as paying tens of thousands of dollars for a college degree, for example.
2. And indeed, we’re seeing clear and present evidence of this happening. Aside from the popularization of Game by the likes of Mystery, Neil “Style” Strauss and others with their bestselling books and so on, we also know that Male gym memberships have skyrocketed over the past few decades; even Nutrisystem, a weight loss company that primarily catered to Women, now has among its pitchmen NFL legends Dan Marino, Lawrence “LT” Taylor, and Don Shula, all hawking weight programs designed specifically for Men. Where at one time the whole of Men’s grooming products consisted of Brute, Alqua Velva and Barbisol, today the industry is bursting at the seams with just about every player in the business marketing their brand of aftershave, bodywash, hair gel, mirrors, deodorants, lotions and colognes, for every Man in every price bracket, from Axe and body oils you can get from the Muslim vendor on the corner, to Armani and Ed Hardy that you can cop from Sephora or Macy’s, and everything in
between. Even the traditional barbershop has changed; aside from “the usual” a guy can also get a manicure, special facials and massages and the like; in my native Philly, several such shops exist-I know because one in particular is a place I regularly frequented, and I must say they do a really good job! Back in our pop and grand pop’s day looking good was a plus; today, its mandatory. As Prof. Andrew Hacker clearly shows in his excellent book “Mismatch”, Today’s Women are quite vocal *and demanding* in what they expect of Men-they are, because they can. Yesterday’s “Brawny Man” is out; today’s Pretty Boy is IN.
3. The question remains though, as to whether Today’s Women will be cool with supporting a Man who is either out of work from the get go, or makes substantially less than herself. On this score I don’t think we have any hard evidence to say either way within an American context, though I could be wrong on that point. If someone out there does have access to such evidence either way, by all means bring it forward. But what I will say right now, is that if indeed Women do wind up supporting their Men, they also need to understand that the same rules will apply to them, that once applied to Men. What do I mean by that?
I mean that Women cannot expect, because they pay the bills, that gives them the right to treat their mate any way they wish. Of course it falls on every individual Man to decided for himself how he will respond, but when it comes to our law and social custom, both are indeed quite clear on the matter: a Man, who was the traditional breadwinner, couldn’t justify his abuse of his mate, be it physical or emotional; both the law and social custom has decided that financial responsibility has no role whatsoever to play in the matter. He simply had no right to beat, or browbeat, his wife.
Period.
That same law and social custom, can and I posit, will be applied to Women, as more and more of them come to assume the breadwinner role. This will also extend to alimony and child support payments, too, as more Men assume primary caretaker roles.
Nor should any of this really come as a big shock and surprise to Women either-after all, many if not the vast majority of them, will totally agree with the notion that, just because a Man paid for a date and night out on the town, didn’t entitle him to sex-the Women still had the right to say “No”. Well, if it’s good for the Gander, and all that. My point in all this, in case you haven’t caught it by now, is that it would be true folly for Women to think that because they pay the bills in the New Grrl Order that gives them the right to run the roost in any way they wish-if they do, they’ll be in for a very rude awakening, first legally, and then socially, if only because of the changes in the environment.
4. Of course, all this comes down to how well both Men and Women can and are willing to adapt to the new “game” of love. For Women, they will now get the full reigns of leadership, which inherently comes with risks and responsibilities. And for Men, it comes down to whether he is able to disentangle himself from obsolete models of masculinity that have far outlived their purpose and utility in a meaningful, tangible way in our time for the vast majority. Again, it cannot be overstated enough-the Male as Breadwinner model is all but dead now for most Men reading this. Either they’ll share that role with the mate in their lives, or they won’t be able to have that role at all. So, by the demands of a changed environment, he will have to look to other things which makes him a viable mate that a Woman deems worth having around-and paying for it.
Here is where Game has the most direct answers, though it must also be said that it comes with a bit of fineprint. It is not a panacea, nor will it solve all problems in our Brave New World. Nevertheless, it’s the last, best hope Today’s Man has-and if he is smart and diligent, he can improve his chances for love dramatically, even as the Mancession continues ruthlessly apace. Consider the following, just for an example:
Most of the Men reading this can and often do get haircuts. They typically cost no more than say, $15. Now consider how much Women pay to get their hair done-in the Black community, it can easily be *four times that amount, if not vastly more, depending on the hairstyle*. Grooming, in the main, is a very important aspect of Game-and does anyone here really dispute how good a nice haircut can make a Man look? It’s as if he’s reborn or something. I’ve seen Women give a guy a double take based on that, alone.
My point is, that a Man reinventing himself isn’t as hard as it seems, and in absolute dollars comparatively speaking, is way cheaper than it is for a Woman of comparable age, etc. I say this from experience. Yes, one can spend a King’s Ransom on books and cds and dvds and bootcamps, with a return on investment that’s shaky at best-or, he can spend next to nothing on a few books and the many free websites and blogs devoted to the matter and within anywhere from six months to two years (depending on his learning curve, diligence, etc) can reap the rewards. Again, I’ve done it. So have many, many other Men.
So, in summary, I’ll just say this: whether we like it or not, whether we believe it or not, the social environment that dictated the terms upon which Male and Female came together, is vastly changing. What used to do the job for our dads and grand dads, simply ain’t gonna get it for us, if for no other reason than because for most of us, it is no longer an option on the table to be considered. That means we’ll have to look to other ways of being, of presenting ourselves to the world. And for Women, at long last they will be truly equals. With all that entails-the good, the bad, and the ugly, too.
Comment and reply, holla.
