By Big Daddy from Cincinnati
On July 8, 2010, Zammo wrote an article on The Spearhead, entitled “The Ins and Outs of Online Dating.” His perspectives are entirely correct, in my estimation. I, too, have dipped my toe into the online dating arena, due to the blessed separation and impending divorce from the soon-to-be-ex-fishwife. I want to add to his excellent fact-filled article with some of my own observations.
Part of successfully dealing with dating, online or otherwise, is to set a reasonable goal. If the goal is to get a “decent girl” to fall in love with and marry, then you are most likely shit out of luck. I think that it would be POSSIBLE to find a woman with decent morals, high standards, and who would be faithful to you for life. In fact, I know several couples who have been married over 40 years, and have not had significant marital strife, at least to hear them tell of it. But that was much more likely in your father’s and grandfather’s days.
Remember: Girls like that are NOT on online dating sites. They are home with their husbands, cleaning the house and cooking dinner, and not fucking the UPS man. Finding a “decent girl” in modern American society is mostly an exercise in self-delusion, anyway, sort of like telling yourself that you are really going to hit the lottery. It DOES happen to someone, but it isn’t going to happen to you. If fantasies such as this help you get through the day without contemplating suicide, then I suppose that they have their place. However, the realist understands the world is the way it is, and not the way we want it to be.
In an effort to help my brothers out there, here are a few tips:
If you meet a girl online, do NOT “friend” them on Facebook, until you have laid the wood to them. And possibly not even then. If you think that it is sexually exciting for a girl to know your every move and stupid comment that you post, let me disabuse you of that notion. Remember the phrase “familiarity breeds contempt.” It does. If they know all about the fact that you are a working stiff and do normal things, you won’t be exciting, any suggestions to them that you are will fall on deaf ears. Your ability to successfully use Game then goes right out the window. Preserve an air of mystery. If you are purposefully vague and hint of excitement, they will mentally fill in the gaps to make you whatever they want you to be.
An alternative that I have not done, as it would appear to require more effort than I want to put into it, would be to have a separate Facebook dating profile. You could provide social proofing by posting that you were doing exciting things, and have fake pretty girls on there making comments about your Walter Mitty fantasies and making subtle references to their orgasmic delight. I think it would work, but I can get laid without all that effort. Maybe someone could hire some off-shore IT workers to run it for you for pennies a day. Just a thought.
Do NOT take online dates out to dinner. Some girls use online dating that to get beta chumps to buy them dinner and have an audience for their babbling on the nights when they are not getting fucked bowlegged by that scamp of an itinerant alpha male in their life. You might get laid, but you are MUCH more likely to get screwed by a dinner check and nothing else. MUCH more likely. As others have noted, a full stomach does NOT make a woman feel sexy. Buying dinner also brands you as a beta-backup-plan when she can no longer attract the alpha attention and pounding that she will never tell you that she craves, or when Mr. Rogue Alpha and his magic hoo-hoo-dilly are out of town for the weekend.
Meet girls for coffee, instead. I tend to like meeting girls that I have met online in a bookstore coffee shop. It is a clue that she is stupid and does not read if you propose a location like a bookstore and she has never heard of it. Now, I am not looking for a smart girl to hire as an employee, but I don’t really care for girls who are dumb as the proverbial box of rocks. But, anyway, a chain bookstore coffee shop, like at Barnes and Noble or Borders, provides you with much natural cover. Get there early. Position yourself where you can see the door, but where she can’t immediately see you, such as looking over a bookshelf while you peruse the books. If the girl who shows up is much more fat or fugly than you anticipated, you can duck behind the shelves and casually exit the establishment without having to spend any time on a Date from Hell. Much better to go home and skin it back yourself than to waste time talking in public to a chick who you would be embarrassed to have your buddies know that you boned.
As long as we are on the topics of smart girls: Smart girls, yes, even MDs and PhDs, respond to the same stuff that the dumb ones do. At one point, I thought that a smart girl would not respond to Game, and that she would be a girl that you can deal with in a straightforward manner. WRONG! (Hey, I never said that I was some sort of genius or something.) Indeed, they can be even more of a pain in the ass than ones of average intelligence, since they respond to Game, but feel a need to analyze everything well past the point of being annoying.
As Zammo said, fat chicks are the new normal. Chicks with bad attitudes are the new normal. But they all seem to think that they are God’s gift to the world, despite ample evidence to the contrary. Go figure.
As far as different sites go, Plenty of Fish (pof.com) has yielded me the most dickie-dunks out of any of them. OK Cupid has not done as well for me, but my brother, who lives in another state, found a girl that he likes that will let him do anything to her. Match.com has not worked real well for me, but I know a guy who said that he hooked up with nine different women over one weekend while working on that. It appears that different markets have different services that are the dominant one, and that the other ones are more-or-less bit-players. Try a different one or several if you are striking out on the first one you tried. Remember, as Zammo said, this is really a numbers game.
Adult Friend Finder – Please tell me that you did NOT go here to look for a long term relationship. Yes, she will probably get to meet your cod on the first date, but I don’t really want to bring THAT kind of girl back to my house, or ever introduce her to Mom and Dad. There are lots of fatties here. Somebody must be plowing them. Good looking non-fatties don’t have to go online just to get laid. And, YES, girls from other non-“adult” dating sites WILL screw you on the first date. Just remember: You are not THAT special. She’s done the huckety-buck on the first date with other guys, and probably a goodly number of them. There is a place for a girl like that, but in an LTR or at the end of the aisle are NOT one of them. Don’t be like a fellow I know who fell in love with a girl who he met at a gangbang at a hotel near a military base. After that, he was parading her around town like she was the prom queen, after all of his buddies had popped their load into her on various occasions. Don’t do it!
What Zammo said about flakes should be read, and read again, and read one more time. To echo his words, HAVE A THICK SKIN. Women are amoral creatures, flakes, and they will reject you for anything, everything, nothing, the phase of the moon, or who knows what. They will lead you on and waste your time, knowing full well that nothing is going to come of it. Any time that this happens, it is probably not a reflection on you. They will agree to meet, and then just not show up, or come up with a last minute excuse. If you talk with a girl online on Monday and arrange to go out Friday, I would say that the chances of that actually happening are about 30%. But if you check in with them the day before to confirm things, it will come across as not being confident enough, and women like confidence in a man. This is the classic Catch-22. So if your dating time is limited, or you correctly realize that your time is valuable, maybe you could double-book, and take the first one who shows up. Or make sure to not have a long time for the girl to think about things and second-guess herself. Try setting a date for tomorrow night instead of for several days away. If you chat with a girl online and try to set a date for later that same day, most girls don’t seem to have a comfort level with that, so it seems that there is a happy medium.
If an online girl comes up with an excuse to not go on a date at a proposed date and time, but does not propose an alternative, maybe give her one more choice. If she doesn’t go for that, then she is just wanting to get attention and validation of her desirability from you without any effort on her part. FORGET HER and don’t ask her out again, unless you just like sitting at home and being frustrated.
Don’t take this stuff personally and let it affect your own self-image when you get rejected or flaked out on. Steel yourself to this reality before jumping in this pond, to inoculate yourself from the inevitable issues that come from dealing with women, especially in this sort of a forum. Remember, temper your upside expectations to avoid bitter disappointment.
I do want to wish you luck with finding whatever it is that you want. Online dating may not find you the girl of your dreams, but it can keep you busy and help warm up those cold winter nights.
Big Daddy from Cincinnati is a police trainer who does not agree with current US domestic violence laws. He practices his trade in a medium sized city in the Southeastern US.
