One of the regrets of my childhood is that I didn’t listen more closely to my father. Although far from a perfect man, he knew a great deal about politics and the world, and saw right through to people’s inner motivations. However, he stood out for being such a renegade, and because of that I dismissed a lot of what he said.
Most children swallowed what they were taught without hesitation, largely at the urging of their parents. Middle class families were the truest believers of all. I did get the sense that some of the poor and very rich counseled their children to be skeptical, but for the most part kids were told to “listen to adults,” regardless of which adult was speaking.
In hindsight, I should have listened to adults a lot less.
So now that I have kids, I’m faced with a dilemma. How does a parent warn kids that not everything taught in school is true and not everything adults say is honest without making them disillusioned and unmotivated?
First, I think we must recognize that the United States has changed fundamentally even since people who are only 30 were children. It has become a truly multicultural country, like Syria and Iraq. There’s no sense of being a part of a “nation” or, for the majority, an ethnic group at all. Even church affiliations have largely broken down, with the typical form of Christianity promoted today being a confused mass movement with no depth to speak of.
Of all white, Christian Americans, perhaps only Southerners can claim a sense of ethnic and cultural identity; for those of us in the north we might as well be a deracinated form of lumpenproletariat that embraces the lowest, most degrading form of self-flagellation and debased entertainment. Given such a bleak cultural environment, what is a parent to do?
If at a loss, I think it’s worth looking at people who have not fallen into that trap. Of the people I know who are most secure and functional in our contemporary environment, most are members of successful minorities who come from a deep cultural tradition, e.g. Jews, Italians and Chinese. All three of these groups have managed to retain some dignity, sense of pride in their heritage and success in passing their values to the next generation.
This ability to function and prosper in a culturally chaotic environment may well be part genetic (inborn resistance to alcoholism, high intelligence, conscientiousness, etc.), but the cultural influence is probably even more important. All of the aforementioned groups have lived in multicultural, heterogenous societies for thousands of years. We tend to think of Chinese, Italians and Jews as monolithic groups of people, but this is far from the case. Italy is the most genetically and culturally diverse country in Europe, China is home to several different languages (Mandarin and Cantonese are not just “dialects”) and countless regional variations, and Jews have a diaspora that, for the last 500 years, has stretched from the Americas to the mountains and steppes of Central Asia. Despite all these innumerable differences within and around their people, all have maintained a fundamental set of cultural values and practices that have prevented them from disappearing from the face of the earth — even as minorities in cultures dominated by others.
So, given our new reality, it would behoove Americans to take a few lessons from successful, ancient peoples, unless we really don’t care whether we bequeath anything of value to posterity.
The first lesson, and the one I’d like to focus on today, is that our own values are more important than those of the culture at large. Teaching children that what they learn from their parents and family is more important than what they learn in school is a good start. This doesn’t mean teaching them to reject everything learned in school outright, but rather that they should, with some family guidance, pick and choose which tools are useful and which to discard.
For example, having a child learn to read and write is important, but any so-called “history” that is taught in schools today ought to be taken with caution. Anything, in fact, that is open to political interpretation ought to be viewed with serious skepticism. This, unfortunately, includes some of the sciences, such as biology. If a biology teacher says something patently false, such as “men and women’s differences are social constructs,” you have to take the time to explain to your child that this is not true. Biology is probably the science most prone to abuse, as proven by totalitarian leaders like Stalin, Hitler and Mao Zedong, all of whom promoted immoral policy based on flawed science. Our schools are far from immune to this tendency, male feminist PZ Myers being a prime example of a mountebank using biology as a political tool.
Although I am not a supporter of Creationism – partly because the Bible contradicts itself in this story – I understand why parents would rather teach it to their children than allow charlatan biologists like Myers to have the final word. But this is ultimately a losing approach. The evidence for natural selection and an old earth is too strong, and, in any event, none of this requires one to deny the existence of God.
So the key, as I see it, is to instruct one’s children on what you consider to be fundamental values, and pick and choose what they should take from the wider culture. In other words, be a true believer in your own values and culture, and a skeptic where outsiders are concerned. In this day, handing one’s children over to so-called professionals for both moral and practical instruction is doing them a grave disservice, and when you feel your child is old enough to understand that, tell the kid why. Do not underestimate a child’s capacity for understanding, nor his or her desire to learn. “Because I said so” is never sufficient for a curious child — “because _____” or “I don’t know” is far better (if you don’t know something, offer to find out with the child).
When it comes to popular culture, pay a little attention, and deconstruct it with your child. Encourage him to view it critically, and to weigh the message and the messenger. If, for example, a rapper is advocating peace, love and understanding, ask why, in another song, he was rapping about shooting people, and whether that’s consistent.
Do the same with teachers. If a teacher is going on and on in some political crusade, blaming your children’s people for all the evil in the world, have a talk with your child about bullying. Ask whether good people like to insult and demonize children and their families, then tell the child that even some adults like to bully people, sometimes because it makes them feel strong and powerful. Because they can’t do it to grownups, they bully children instead, kind of like a fourth grader beating up a kindergartener.
Make sure that your children know that adults are not better people than children; they are just stronger and have more experience. This means that although they can do more good, they can also do more harm, so never trust an adult – even a teacher – unless you know for sure that she is doing good. And don’t stop there; explain to the child that good intentions are not the same as good outcomes. Even if an adult wants to do good, they might do bad because they are uninformed, or their beliefs are incorrect, and yes, adults can be wrong.
I mentioned history earlier, and I’d like to get back to that because it’s a great opportunity for a father to get involved with his children. Using history to entertain, teach moral lessons and learn about human nature is a great way for men to instruct and influence their children. If done properly, both fathers and children should find it interesting and fun. My son, for example, is fascinated by large buildings, machines and public works. This is a great opportunity for both of us to learn about classical Rome. My daughter, who takes after me a bit more in her interests, is fascinated by stories about the people and families involved in politics. There’s something for everyone in history, and leaving it entirely up to schoolteachers is a shameful thing for a father to do.
All this can apply to grandparents as well, if they have the time. The point is that while school can be helpful to parents and children alike, the most important kind of education comes from the home. Although we hear that so often that it has become something of a cliché, depressingly few people take it seriously, and rather than put in that little extra bit of effort, prefer to trust people they don’t know, and probably don’t even agree with, with the entirety of their children’s education.
Although it isn’t a pleasant thing to say, we must set aside this trust in public institutions for the good of our kids. A people doesn’t survive by letting the flavor of the month have its way with core values, so if you care about the future, you’d do well to treat your children as your own rather than wards of the state.
