If women were truly sincere about A) wanting to understand men, and B) wanting to have better relationships with them based on something other than the man doing everything women tell them to and being everything women want, nothing would be of more use to them than understanding “The Cave.”
The Cave is where men go to sort things out in their minds. Men tend to want to lead intentional lives and not be popping off emotionally over any issue, whether major or minute. This is a female characteritic that we are often uncomfortable with, and certainly goes against most culturally accepted notions of “the superior man.”
The contemporary mythological hero, Superman, has the ultimate cave – the “Fortress of Solitude.” That name captures so much – the two absolutely essential characteristics of “The Cave.”
First, it must provide “solitude.” The entire purpose is minimize outside inputs so the man can go inside and find his answers there. Yammering noise must be eliminated. And, it must be a true “fortress” against the intrusion of such things – it must shut them out, keep them at bay, and allow the man the space and peace he needs to feel and think his way through a situation that he does not immediately know how to deal with.
The process is neither conscious nor verbal for men. Demanding a verbal explanation of anything from a man while he is in the Cave, particularly an explanation of why he is in the cave, will get your head bitten off. A huge problem with verbal explanations is that often people won’t accept them — particularly women who won’t accept the validity of their man being in his cave in the first place and regard an explanation as nothing more than an invitation to argue with him about being there.
Basically what happens in the Cave is that the man shuts off all external inputs and either enters a sort of purely meditative state or engages in some activity that focuses his hands and the conscious part of his brain, keeping them busy, while the unconscious does its work.
First he reaches down into his gut and asks himself “How do I really feel about this?” He may be feeling 100 different things at once, but if he sits quietly with himself, and only himself, sooner or later a couple of reactions and feelings will bubble up to the surface as being more important than all the rest.
Then, he goes up into his head an asks himself “What do I really think about this?” Again, he may be thinking 100 different things, which he shuffles around, and sorts, and discards until he has narrowed it down to the most important couple.
The next step is an internal negotiation/mediation process in which he weighs each side against the other and asks himself questions “Is this issue which has me so bothered really significant, or is it trivial? Am I angry over something petty, or does this really violate a deeply held principle? Do I need to fight for this, or do I need to blow it off?”
Eventually he will work through all the internal conflicts and confusion and decide on a course of action which is right for him – both for what he feels, and what he believes. He will then emerge from the Cave in a much better mood.
Anyone who follows an animal into its cave is taking a grave risk. We tend to protect our caves, to regard them as our very own”Fortresses of Solitude” and to defend them against invasion.
This is all purely instinctive, not planned. Most men don’t realize when they are doing it because they are not thinking themselves into it, but rather responding to an awareness of internal states they do not understand but want and need to.
Women can improve their relationships with men by understanding the Cave, and realizing that they don’t have to like it, or even understand it, but merely accept it. Nothing you can do will stop men from heading for the Cave when they need to go. It is one way we are different from you.
Guys can improve their relationships with women in their lives who are willing to accept the Cave by at least giving the women warning that they are going there. If the relationship is good, all that should need to be said is “Cave. I’ll be back.”
