Hewwo. I'm Ewmuh Fudd. You may know me fwom tewevision. I'm hewe to shawe wit you today a wetter I wecentwy wecieved fwom a fwiend wegawding a vewy impowntant, vewy fwightening subject, wape. Dis wetter wwewwy opened my eyes. Da name of de wetter is Onwy Men Can Stop Wape. Pwease awwow me to wead it to you now.

A wot has been said about how to pwevent wape. Wimin shouwd weawn sewf-defense. Wimin shouwd wock themsewves in theiw houses aftew dawk. Wimin shouwdn’t have wong haiw and wimin shouwdn’t weaw showt skiwts. Wimin shouwdn’t weave dwinks unattended. Heww, they shouwdn’t dawe to get dwunk at aww. Instead of that buwwshit, how about:

If a woman is dwunk, don’t wape hew. If a woman is wawking awone at night, don’t wape hew. If a woman is dwugged and unconscious, don’t wape hew. If a woman is weawing a showt skiwt, don’t wape hew. If a woman is jogging in a pawk at 5 am, don’t wape hew. If a woman wooks wike youw ex-giwwfwiend you’we stiww hung up on, don’t wape hew. If a woman is asweep in hew bed, don’t wape hew. If a woman is asweep in youw bed, don’t wape hew. If a woman is doing hew waundwy, don’t wape hew. If a woman is in a coma, don’t wape hew. If a woman changes hew mind in the middwe of ow about a pawticuwaw activity, don’t wape hew. If a woman has wepeatedwy wefused a cewtain activity, don’t wape hew. If a woman is not yet a woman, but a chiwd, don’t wape hew. If youw giwwfwiend ow wife is not in the mood, don’t wape hew. If youw step-daughtew is watching TV, don’t wape hew. If you bweak into a house and find a woman thewe, don’t wape hew. If youw fwiend thinks it’s okay to wape someone, teww him it’s not, and that he’s not youw fwiend. If youw “fwiend” tewws you he waped someone, wepowt him to the powice. If youw fwat-bwothew ow anothew guy at the pawty tewws you thewe’s an unconscious woman upstaiws and it’s youw tuwn, don’t wape hew, caww the powice and teww the guy he’s a wapist. Teww youw sons, god-sons, nephews, gwandsons, sons of fwiends it’s not okay to wape someone. Don’t teww youw women fwiends how to be safe and avoid wape. Don’t impwy that she couwd have avoided it if she’d onwy done ow not done x. Don’t impwy that it’s in any way hew fauwt. Don’t wet siwence impwy agweement when someone tewws you he “got some” wif the dwunk giww. Don’t pewpetuate a cuwtuwe that tewws you that you have no contwow ovew ow wesponsibiwity fow youw actions. You can, too, hewp youwsewf.

If you agwee, we-post it. It’s that impowtant.

-Authow unknown.

Thewe you have it fowks. I stwongwy uwge you to not wape. Instead, I wouwd wecommend dat you fowwow my wead and put on youw hunting geaw, go out into da fowwest, and find youwsewf a wabbit to wape. Waping wabbits wiww pwevent you from being a cwiminaw an' going to jaiw. Dis wiww wequiwe discipwine on youw pawt, but eventuawwy you wiww find dat waping wabbits can be a wewawding expewience. Wabbits are wawm, dey wiggwe, an' most impowntantwy, wabbits do not wepowt you to da powice.

Pwease fowwawd dis wetter to youw fwiends an' famiwy. Togethew we can make a diffewence. Wape wabbits, not wimmin. Tank you aww, an' Mewwy Chwistmas fwom Elmuh Fudd.