To start off, i would like to describe myself as highly emphatetic person, that can see social cues not anyone can catch, that can feel others emotions as my own if i bond with them after some time has passed. I was given a multitude of titles. ''Mind reader'', ''Therapist'', ''Someone who understands'', Someone that uplifts others when they are at the bottom''.

For most of the time, im the keeper of secrets, the one that everyone comes to. To feel comfortable enough to shed their skin and be their true self. Vulnerable, with worries, anxiousness, sorrow and dread that they can finally let it all out, because apparently, ''im the one they feel they can afford to open up this way''

This trend has been occurring since the days i remember. Most of the time i can see if someone is hiding something, is lying, is worried. Even if theres only a small talk present, i can deduce how the person is feeling at that moment, from combination of tone, manner they are talking to me and the behaviour of their eyes.

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At first, i was really in denial about all of this and thought that this is just normal things that occur, whenever you are focusing on person, giving them all of your attention and time, while being selfless. Then it stopped making sense, because a lot of people began saying things like: ''How did you know'', ''Stop reading my mind'', ''Dont stare into my soul like that'', which in turn, made me doubt if its the right thing to do, to call out on their insecurities, their worries what they are thinking at that moment and what is the reason they are thinking like that, coming with possible solutions to that.

It was that sense of feeling that even if they are feel comfortable with me, they are not ready for someone to put them ''under light'' and lay bare all of their secrets, doubts and sorrow out in the open, even if there was absolutely no problem for me to do so, because i thought that we are all humans.

Which comes down to the topic i would like to discuss it here. The things i really struggle with the most. Theres a story of my dating life (Described very poorly. Excuse me for my english) up to this day i would like to talk about and hopefully, it would made somewhat sense to understand all of it, or portion of it.

There has been this girl in the past that i have been seeing for few months.

We started off slowly learning each other, learning about our lifes, hobbies, dreams, past issues and nightmares. I visited her often, watching films, going out together, spending time at her home. She said countless times that she wishes that there were more guys like me. I saw her cry a lot of times, curling up to me. I saw her smile a lot of times, appreciating that someone will make her comfortable around men again. That i was the one that would convince her that not everyone is like that. I was there when panic attacks came, i was there when she was feeling worthless. She knew that i was attracted to her and vice versa and she wanted to take things slow, given about her past experiences with men that used her. "I want us to stay friends if is that alright with you" - She said. "I dont want to lose you as a friend if we will go to bed together, that will hurt me too much she said". She talked a lot about her exes, telling me how they treated her badly in comparison to me and she couldnt afford to lose me. Cool story right? Except that happens everytime im building up someone. It has happened with so many women, i lost count. Im being used as emotional tampon, and get discarded everytime she comes back to the same type of people that she cried to me about. Because she believes that if i can be that way, so can be others. This is the thing i cant understand or maybe im denial about. If i get to be someone that holds off my feelings, my connection and rewards her only after she earned it, i had way more succes with women.

But it feels so shitty. Thats why i hate the term "nice guy" or "good guy". There was a point in my life when i said to myself "No more" "No more convincing" i made a promise to myself that i would never open up. I would never show myself. And i would use or take, whatever would be offered to me and give back little to none and it worked. Too well.

There were a few relationships i had that lasted a couple of years. Some of them were ended by her, some of them were ended by me. After that, my life has been a bit more promiscuos since then. Going to hookers, chatting up with new met people and have sex with them, while having no emotional connection, that i seem to be able to turn off like a switch in those instances, otherwise if i do it - i can bond immensely with whoever i want and that would do great damage, everytime things would go sour.

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Now im willingly staying single, to work on myself more. I just... It is easy to say the right words, to behave in the right manner, to control the situation to your liking to assure, she will be always attracted to you, that she will always be on her toes or letting her know that she has someone that she should not let go. But that is just simple manipulation with people. Its bending her to my will. It never feel right and it will never be. But if do all of those things that feel right to me and i know that would benefit her greatly - the attraction or love isnt there anymore. If i give her true equality, a chance to do everything together, while me performing my duties as a man and her duties as a woman - the love isnt there anymore.

I dont want a puppet that can be easily controlled and let her believe that this is true love, because she got already used to it from previous relationships. I want to let her be, as she is. But that never worked.

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Now my question is... What am i supposed to do?

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Few months ago i went to few different therapists simultaneously in a span of few weeks, told them more or less the same story of my struggles and high empathy or feeling that something doesnt add up. Then i made log book of each of therapists sessions and compared the results one with another. To my conclusion and to them is that im ''Super empath'' (?) and i would be desirable in their field of work. They stated that i have high sense of morality, integrity and sense of right and wrong, despite emotional baggage that has accumulated along with the years passing by.

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They didnt have any answers for my life long questions, they didnt have answers as to why certain behaviour is rewarded more than the other, they didnt have answers about not being content and happy with achieving goals, when those goals were achieved with hidden motives, manipulative approach, rather than good behaviour.

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There is really a drastic difference in outcome of my personal, work and dating life, depending if i can use some of my traits to my advantage as opposed to not doing it.

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As far as the work goes... I had a lot of chances to begin in new places and experiment with my behaviour:

I can be seen as assertive leader with charisma and aura, that can change the mood of the whole room, depending on my mood at given day. I can be seen as the one that always smiles, uplifting the others, making them follow my advice, my orders, backed up by good arguments. There were enough times, that supervisors were too polite to me for it being comfortable and there were the times that coworkers noticed that and felt intimidated by it.

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Or i can be seen as normal guy, that is mediocre in everything and blends in, so that there isnt anything noteworthy to even describe me as a person. Just someone with a name and a life as everybody else.

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I dont know if there is something wrong with me, or there is specific term for that kind of behaviour. Maybe im just pure narcissist that is so over in his head that i cant even see the blatant and obvious truths that are visible to others but not me.

I wasted substantial amount of money, going to therapists for answers to the questions i have been looking for, instead i got textbook answers or answers i figured out on my own already.

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I would really... i mean really appreciate if someone experiences those kinds of things and would give me an advice on what to do with it. Im really torn between being myself and being someone that everyone expect you to be.