Background: I’m by no means a “macho” man that believes women are inferior. I will mow the lawn, repair the drywall and fence, then put on oven mitts to make lasagna before changing my baby’s diaper and feeding him his bottle.

I do what needs to get done for the home and family period.

I recently heard a few episodes entitled “What do I do if my wife and I keep arguing about small things?” on a podcast called Husband Coach’s corner where he basically advises husbands to tip-toe around their wives’ insecurities when arguing or even talking with them.

I know this might be more trouble than it’s worth but I would like to see what other men’s perspective is, even if you just agree in principle but not in its practice. My main point is: WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO BE HONEST WITH THE WOMEN IN OUR LIVES AND HELP THEM WORK ON THEIR INSECURITIES BECAUSE THAT IS HOW ADULTS BECOME BETTER PEOPLE.

At what point do we draw the line?

For example, if a woman is insecure about her looks and gets jealous when any other woman talks to you, isn’t that something SHE has to work on?

Not to infantilize women but just as we prepare our children for the world and not the world for out children, shouldn’t we be helping our wives grow through these growing pains?

One thing I have worked incredibly hard at is accepting that I am an idiot in many ways. By this I mean that I am ignorant in many ways, I did not know much about babies so when we had children, I listened and asked questions and put my ego aside because my wife was teaching me something valuable.

Anger Management

One moment in my life that caused me much embarrassment and pain was when I slammed a door after an argument with my wife.

The look of fear in her eyes was enough for me to instantly change. I told myself I would never allow myself to be the cause for fear in the woman I loved. Period.

And that was the last day of that. I bring up my anger management to make this point:

I CHANGED SOMETHING IN MYSELF BECAUSE I AGREED IT WAS A BAD TRAIT AND THE STAKES ARE HIGHER THAN MY EGO.

I posed this question to my wife recently to suggest that she has to work on her patience in something that’s difficult for me (that is expressing my true feelings instead of just reacting with anger).

If I can change something that quickly, why can’t she?

So I made it a point to say I needed to see more patience from her side when I’m explaining myself NOW.

She countered with “it’s not the same as anger problems”. Which I agreed with but also pointed out that as a man it’s not likely that I would have the same fearful reaction to her slamming a door as she does when I do it.

She has her hot buttons and I have mine and they should be respected as hers are, period. They want equality, right? This is it.

I’m not saying this to brag or stroke my ego, because I’m FAR from perfect. I have many things that I should improve.

I have also began our arguments (since we don’t argue in front of our kids) with the following statements:

I’M COMING TO THIS DISCUSSION WITH AN OPEN MIND THAT I COULD BE WRONG. ARE YOU?

To me, it’s pointless to discuss something with someone that cannot even entertain the idea that they may be mistaken about anything they have to say. Am I wrong?

I also try to make statements like “my perception is ” or “it seems to me that ” and I avoid absolutes like “never” and “always”.

I DON’T CARE ABOUT WHO’S RIGHT I ONLY CARE ABOUT WHAT’S RIGHT.

I’ll say an objectively true statement like “I asked you to _____” And then I posed the question: “If you can’t agree that what I am saying is factually true, then I don’t know what to say anymore.”

This has been very helpful because then she can clearly see that she is being blinded by emotion and cannot admit a fact simply because it’s coming from me.

I get that women are emotional and you can’t change emotions with logic but I believe that is only half true.

In an argument there is a mix of emotion and facts.

EXAMPLE: She asked me to take out the trash. I forgot. Now she’s upset because the house smells.

There are times, though, when I play the game that therapists and self-help books promote: 1. Listen and validate her feelings 2. It doesn’t matter who’s right But other times it’s most definitely about what’s right.

We’ve come to an agreement that when it comes to the safety and well-being of our kids, our egos and getting defensive are valid. Of course, there are tactful ways of saying what the concern is: “I worry about stepping away from the changing table while the baby is on it” VS “What were you thinking?! Do you know what danger you put him in?” I’ve been very sure to word my concerns carefully but to still give the full effect of my concern and not beat around the bush.

SOMETIMES FEELINGS CAN BE VALIDATED BUT NOT REALLY JUSTIFIED?

This one can be a bit tricky. What I mean is that just because a person is feeling something doesn’t automatically mean it’s a justifiable feeling.

If I get jealous that my friend got a new car, that is understandable, but it doesn’t make it right.

In fact, I work hard to now be inspired by others’ successes and not make it all about me.

One thing I have brought up multiple times is not to make everything I am saying about her.

EXAMPLE: I am here all day with both kids and I stay on top of what the toddler is doing because his safety is my #1 concern.

What she heard was: “You don’t value our son’s safety as much as I do.”

This to me showed tremendous insecurity and defensiveness. Every counseling and conflict resolution book says to make “I” statements and not accuse the other person of anything.

If I do that, and it still causes trouble, something is not right, whether it be me or her.

I am no way promoting arguing or elevating each discussion to epic proportions!

Always pick your battles but sometimes battles are worth fighting out.

I am just thinking out loud that isn’t important that we also stick to our principles and morals or right and wrong?

I just wanted to see if there were other husbands/men out there that think the same way and maybe share your experiences.

Thoughts?