We are both 25 and engaged. We bought a house together over a year ago and I quit my job roughly 6 months ago. During that time my grandfather died, my hospice dog died, my childhood dog who was 15.5 died, his sister attempted suicide, my mom decided to move out of state, my dad had all of his teeth pulled and has been miserable….there has been a LOT.

I kept going in and out of depressed phases because of all of that but I have realized that it’s always something. It’s not fair on my fiancé to be working all day while I’m depressed and doing the bare minimum.

He said I could have a month to mourn after my childhood dog died, and it’s been 3 weeks. In that time his sister attempted suicide. He came to me last night telling me that he doesn’t feel like we’re a team, and that it feels like he has to provide for and take care of me without a whole lot in return.

This is the exact opposite of what I want, but he’s right. This morning I set my alarm early to wake up before him to make him coffee and breakfast, but he told me to just go back to sleep. When he came out of his office to tell me he was getting lunch (he works from home) I asked him to tell me what he wanted so I could buy it/make it for him. He told me no, that he likes to get out of the house himself.

I asked him what I can do for him then, because the house is clean and cared for enough (not perfect but slightly better than usual) so I’m not sure how to make him feel like I’m doing more for him when he objects to all my ideas. He told me he wants me to do more, but feels guilty/like I’m doing too much when I offer nice things. He told me that he’s stuck in a mindset of either I’m not doing enough, or I’m doing too much so he feels bad, and there’s no in between for him. He recognizes this is not my fault and not fair, but neither of us know how to work towards a balance. I know that I don’t do enough so I want to do more for him and make him accept that, but if he’s telling me it just makes him feel bad then I’m not sure what I should do.

What do we do about this? Thank you in advance :)