So this is my first Reddit post, I’m not sure how this all works… not even sure if this belongs here. Posted this in r/sad a couple days ago as well. it’s gonna be a little long. 

  I (31m) have a 4yo daughter (let’s call her Dee) and she is so awesome! It’s really cool being a dad and now that she’s here I wouldn’t trade her for the world. She is the best thing about my life now and makes me smile every day! That being said having a child w the wrong woman(drug addict)/before I was ready  basically ruined my life.       I have always been a free spirit and love to travel the homeless hippie way. The world was mine for the taking and I loved the freedom and adventure! I’ve never believed that life was about money or the 9-5 slavery. I was my happiest without a penny in my pocket and the whole world to explore.     During a stint while I was back home in wv I had a fun night with a woman (we’ll call her J) I met in a bar that turned into a not-so-serious relationship. I made it very clear that I didn’t want kids for a long time and exactly why. J’s response was always that I would make such a great dad.     I always used protection but I caught her poking holes in the condoms!!!!! She became pregnant and again I reiterated that in no way was I ready to have a child. I was told it wasn’t my choice and that this was her chance to be a good mother.(she had previously had a child taken from her by the state for reasons I would later find out the truth behind.) it came out that she wasn’t sure that I was the father because she had been cheating on me with an old man for pills behind my back.      Despite it all I stayed with J and ‘manned up’-got a good job and all the baby things that you would need and a place to live and those such things. Due to her sneaking opiates behind my back while she was pregnant Dee was born addicted and premature and had to spend her first month in the nicu. She almost died on several occasions.        I was furious at J but stuck in there and was totally supportive of her path to recovery. She got worse and worse and became emotionally and physically abusive constantly. I don’t believe in harming women and also I’m kinda a little fella so things weren’t good at all.       I left her after she snatched me up by the neck and lifted me off my feet when I refused to give her any more money for pills. (For perspective I  don’t do anything but smoke a little greenery on occasion) Dee was about 1yo at this point. I took my daughter with me when I left and let J stay in the house while I moved back in w my dad.      Soon after J didn’t pay the bills and had to go live in her car. At this point she sued me for custody and WON with no home no job and a drug addiction. I was put on child support and had to send my sweet baby away to live in a car in the middle of winter. Her drug use moved to heroine instead of pills and she was shooting it and dealing with the worst kind of people.        She would date these total scumbags, dealers and robbers and call me to tell me my daughter had a new daddy every time. I honestly cried myself to sleep every night thinking about what she was putting Dee through. I ended up moving to Florida for a job and to distance myself from the pain a bit.     Soon after this my daughter pricked herself on a dirty needle in J’s car that they lived in. Mind you this whole time I was fighting the courts hard for custody and losing every time because ‘she’s the mother’. (The system truly is horrible to fathers) When I found out through hospital records what happened I finally managed to get custody. Dee was around 2yo by this time. SOMEHOW I STILL HAD TO PAY CHILD SUPPORT!!! (This was eventually sorted out but there’s thousands of dollars I’ll never get back) This money was going strait to a habit… but finally my sweet girl was safe and could be happy in a good place with people that truly care about her.      She’s almost five now. J has been in and out of jail constantly (theft, drugs, etc.) and only keeps in contact when she needs something from me. It’s been an amazing journey with my babygirl and once again I’d never give her up now that she’s here but….    Obviously being a single father I’ll never live the life I wanted. I’ll be working 9-5 for the rest of my young life trapped in one place living the life I never wanted to fall into. A sheep enslaved to the dollar bill barely making ends meet. To be clear I don’t resent my daughter for this at all. Do I resent her mother? Yes- 100 percent yes. She tricked me into having a kid, destroyed my confidence and sense of self, used me for her ‘second chance’ and pissed it all away for f**king dope.      I’ll never be able to live the live the life I wanted all because she wanted a child for her selfish emotional needs. Am I being selfish for thinking these things? I’m aware some of this may come off pretty entitled and I’m sorry for that. I love my daughter with all my heart and she is the most wonderful, awesome, smart, beautiful, and empathetic kid! But the point of this story is that you should never sleep with someone you aren’t willing to have a child with. WAIT UNTIL YOU ARE FINANCIALLY AND EMOTIONALLY READY!!! Wait until you’re satisfied that you have done what you wanted in life and had the experiences that you’ll never have once you have a child because that child is always going to be the most important thing in your life after that point!      It kills me when I think about the life I could’ve had if I would’ve just kept it in my pants or been more selective. Am I wrong for feeling this way? It makes me feel so guilty when I think about my feelings on it all- but it’s whats inside my heart and no matter how hard I try I can’t get rid of that resentment. I don’t want to feel this way, I just wish I could be truly happy again without feeling trapped and controlled in a system that could give an f less about me. I feel like I’ll never be free again….

:edit:- formatting