I rarely ask for help and even now it feels unnatural to. However I've gotten to the point where suicide is a reoccurring fantasy of mine just to make a statement and I would prefer to avoid that.

The only good memories of me and my mother are from a young age. I used to look up to her. Never knew my father and never had a male figure in my life to balance me out. This means that growing up I was particularly beta and having the hardest time understanding why that was. My mom, although means well, went from being that hero I admired into a spiteful person, uneasy to be around. And by no means am I placing full blame, as being a single parent with a rebellious child would be difficult for anybody. But now it's to the point where I cannot express any emotion toward her because of what I get in return. I saw her arguing with her mother daily. Not having any friends to bring around. Fighting with me. I was nervous to bring friends or girls home because my family was not like theirs. My friends would constantly ask me "what's wrong with your mom, why's she like that?" Seeing that change made me take the blame and still do. I tell her I feel like I'm walking on eggshells and she tells me the same. I tell her I feel her resentment and she tells me she feels mine. But there's never any progress. Anything I tell her I'm feeling is met with exactly the same response. We are both tired of worrying about pissing the other one off. I was always generally happy person and still am as long as I'm not at home. This toxicity was learned behavior. Monkey see monkey do, so to speak. It stayed the same and has since I started grade school. I'm 25 now. And it's only recently upon moving out that I realized what a negative impact my home life had on me and my attitude towards the world. I grew up around anger and frustration and that taught me to be angry and frustrated at most things in life. How do I take control? How can I prove to her this is unhealthy and living with pain and regret is not living at all; that truly deep down I just want things to get better? Thank you for any replies.

Edit: huge thank you's for the replies