I put the emphasis on boy because A) I don't feel like associating with men right now and B)I feel like the hurt boy inside of me is talking right now.

I think I always had this "women are better than men" mindset because I was raised by a single mother and my mother is a tremendous person, my best friend, she is amazing amazing amazing. Meanwhile, I had those men around me who would diminish me and shame me for being shy, for being nerdy, for being emotional... All the while, my Mom would encourage who I was and makes me feel more fulfilled than the world of manliness. During my childhood, my heroes were all these women who could shut down men and their machismo. I just didn't relate to those emotional and muscular men in media.

And yet, I am gay and attracted to guys. This is where it began. At first, I thought I could be myself and find a boyfriend. I was wrong. Again, those guys and their beauty standards want me to "man up" by building muscle and losing weight. And then, there are guys again, you know? Aloof, overconfident, and cocky. Playing with love and dropping you like a toy when they don't need you anymore. Just all the men from my childhood. For me, they are always playing and never caring about who they hurt. It's almost as if they indeed have no feeling and no heart at all.

I do realize that I am considered a man, but sometimes I feel more tempted to call myself a gay boy because when I am hurt by men, it wakes up the hurt little boy inside of me.

Anyway, hope I didn't bother anyone.