I (25M) have been at this for a while. I have always been a hopeless romantic I always wanted to find someone special I can share my life and passions and vice versa. I did the typical things in college, asking girls on dates, doing activities hanging out, etc. Didn't really get me anywhere though, I always got ghosted, got told that they weren't ready for a relationship only for that same girl to get into a relationship a few weeks later, got told I was cool but I was better off being a friend, etc. Then I started working out... a lot. I gained a ton of muscle and grew a beard and changed my hairstyle and clothes. I thought that would help and truth be told it did a little bit but I was still running the same problems. My roommate at the time (I currently live with him now) then told me that I have to start treating women badly to an extent if I wanted to keep their attention. He's really into the red pill scene and would share the content with me he would tell me that women like toxic men who gaslight and manipulate them and mess with their heads, give them drama and excitement, the whole nine yards. I was appalled at first and resisted but eventually, my loneliness got the better of me and I gave the red pill tactics a shot. I was an actor in high school and really got into the role of playing the part of a toxic fuck boy.

I hated every minute of it, but at the end of the day.....it worked. I got laid a lot and I would have girls actively perusing me and even the girls that friend-zoned and ghosted came back to me. I would have random women I would meet at parties hit me up for booty calls. It was like a drug, I felt powerful. I would just continue to play my part as the toxic guy and talk down to women and treat them like badly. I still feel extremely remorseful today but I thought I was just giving women what they wanted. It made me sad, but I was committed to staying to the bit. I really feel bad about it now. I started having an identity crisis (still am to large extent) because I've been told my whole life that to find a relationship I'd just have to be myself, work on my life and find someone who matches my energy. But now those women didn't love me. They loved a character I was playing and that made me super depressed because my true self wasn't enough.

After graduating college I decided to drop the act and be myself again I learned a thing or two from my days in college but then I began to run into the same issues again and I relapsed into the red pill again. It started getting into my head that I could treat women as badly as I wanted as long as I had the looks to back it up. This is horrifying to me now that I genuinely thought like this. I downloaded tinder in my city and pulled all the same tactics and well... I was very successful. But I still hated every moment of it but I would always justify to myself "this is what women want I'm giving them what they want." I don't know what snapped me out of it but I think it was the fact that I saw this persona I was playing taking over who I was in reality. I think my sister called me out on bullshit over the holiday and I realized that I'm becoming a monster. I want to be myself again. I want to be me again, the shy nerdy guy who likes museums, the outdoors, history, politics, books, Sci/Fi, and fantasy. But in the past, that was never enough. I want to deprogram whatever is in my head. Yes, I found a therapist and am starting next week and I got off of the red pill content I was subscribed to. Currently dropping out of dating until I get my shit together. Judge me if you want I probably deserve it. I'm just sick of being someone I'm not.