Part of me know this is my body and spirit going through a healing process. My feelings are not based in fact. The divorce needed to happen, and was the 'Right Kind of Hard.'
Still, I've been reflecting a lot on the good parts of my marriage. I've been looking at pictures of my Ex, my two kids, and myself together. Feeling sad for my kids. The other day my 4 year old asked me:
"Dad, can you write a letter to Mom and ask for forgiveness for kidnapping us from France, and then ask her to be her wife again?"
So hard for a 4 year to understand. The way I saw her ask of me reuniting with my Ex, is she would like access to me and my Ex whenever she wants and not have to follow some kind of schedule. I then beat myself up and ask how I could have done this to them. How could I have put them through this. Maybe I should have suffered through the marriage, and gas lighting? I can even re-call our first court session with the family court judge who challenged my motion and asked "So you're going to leave your Ex over an affair? You know people do work through this stuff?"
At the same time, I've spared my kids from seeing both of their parents miserable. And they would have figured out sooner than later. I am less anxious now that I'm divorced. There is no investment in a anti-virus software defense system to navigate all my Ex's lies and manipulations, and emotional abuse.
In case you're wondering about the France thing my 4-year-old mentioned, my Ex accused me of kidnapping my girls from France. We had only been there for two months when I decided to return back to the states and file for divorce in Michiagan. Neither I, nor my Ex had French VISAS. My Ex is from Philly. We had a history of living abroad, signing a lease, and then breaking the lease 4 - 6 months in. Most of the kids lives at that point had been in Michigan. Nonetheless, for the last two years my Ex has invited my kids into the storm and has told them I kidnapped them. Recently my Ex had applied for passports and was denied because I don't trust her going abroad with them. Well after my Ex was denied passports by the Judge, she told my 6-year-old. At the next exchange, my 6-year-old is asking me to tell the Judge to allow her to travel to France. Yet another attempt of my Ex to alienate me from kids. Luckily, we have a strong bond.