Hi! I (32f) wanted to share some thoughts after getting some lovely feedback from my dear husband (DH, 35m) this week.
We finally bought our own house in the fall (yay!) and, after a scramble to get everything set up, over the holidays we had visitor after visitor come stay with us starting at thanksgiving. I was so excited about finally being able to host our family and friends that I dedicated most of my attention to making sure that I was receiving all my guests properly. DH was on board and very supportive in making the whole season magical.
As wonderful as it was, after our last guests left in mid January, I was feeling burnt out -- tired, off my pre-holiday routine, struggling to keep up with everything and being not as attentive to DH. For example, DH gets up for work around 7 and is out the door by 8. I work from home and start later, but pre-holidays my routine was get up/get dressed (usually a flattering but comfy dress) to make his breakfast and lunch so we can sit down to share the first meal of the day and then I could see DH off with a kiss. After a months and a half of hosting, the two last weeks of January I prepped DH's lunch the night before and left the coffee maker on a timer, so I could sleep in a bit longer while DH made/ate breakfast solo and rushed out the door.
Our usual routine is that DH walks the dog after his shower, while I finish getting breakfast on the table. But, with me sleeping in, he had to make his own breakfast so he didn't have time the time. This meant I ended up throwing on DH's sweats to bring the dog out when I got up and started work a bit later. I control my own schedule so that isn't really a problem as long as I get my work done. But, my usual pre-holiday routine was to have a working lunch at my desk so I could wrap up a earlier and have time to give the dog an afternoon walk, put myself together (tidy hair, touch of make-up & spritz of perfume), prep dinner and get a pre-workout snack ready for when DH got home from work. I'd then help DH get out of his work clothes and have some time for intimacy and helping DH unwind before we head off to the gym, and then home for dinner.
But, with the later start, and a heavier than usual workload, I ended up working later. DH would call to tell me he was on his way home and I'd still be at my desk scrambling to finish up my work. Often I'd head out to walk the dog and come home to find DH tired and hungry, raiding the fridge for thrown together snacks. He'd then just go on his I-pad while he was eating, and I'd be in my sweats all flustered and sweaty rushing to get dinner prepped so we'd have something to eat when we got home from the gym. A few times I was so behind DH would just tell me not to worry and we ended up just stopping to pick up sushi on the way home. Instead of spending quality time while we ate, I'd put on a show and zone out.
After 2 weeks of feeling tired and disconnected, DH sat me down and told me he could see I was stressed out and was worried I was going to make myself sick. He suggested I take the day off the reset, that we could have a lazy weekend, and then start the next week fresh. At first I was defensive and resistant (not my finest moment). I always put pressure on myself to be 100% and in the moment it can feel like if I just push through, or do a bit more, I'll get back on track. I don't always see the ways that trying to push through when I don't have the bandwidth actually does more harm than good. But DH knew better and was able guide me to see that I needed to allow myself the time to recover. I let my work know I was taking a personal day and ended up going to bed feeling guilty for getting defensive and so grateful for DH's care and attentiveness. I so surprised when the next day I woke up at noon and just as I was getting out of the shower found DH walking in the door. I'd had no idea he'd gone into work early so he could take the afternoon off to start our lazy weekend together!
Doing some reflecting that weekend I realized that the reason I was "off" wan't just being tired or drained from the visitors. A large part of what I was missing was the satisfaction of really full-heartedly catering to DH. We were so focused on being great hosts and working as a team to create a welcoming and warm experience for our visitors that, while we still found moments to be intimate everyday and our relationship dynamics largely stayed the same, the reality is I wasn't giving him the same personalized attention I usually do. It's something that gives me so much satisfaction, and a big part of my stress was feeling like I hadn't been able to do that. So, without saying anything, the first two weeks of February I really made an effort to get back on top of my routine and in touch with DH.
I started the week walking up with DH again, actually getting dressed instead of throwing on DH's sweats, and getting my work done on time so I get through my afternoon tasks (dog, dinner, prep gym snacks/gear, quick tidy of self/house). I made sure every day the last two weeks that I've been home to greet DH at the door with a kiss. He responds by pulling me in close, telling me how good I smell and how happy he is to be home. I take his bag off his hands so I can put his dirty lunch containers in the dishwasher while he takes off his shoes and jacket, and meet him in the bedroom to help him out of his work clothes. We then spend some intimate time to unwind together before heading to the gym.
It's unreal how re-energized I felt from being able to reconnect and re-orient myself to DH. I tried out new recipes that I thought DH would love, baked treats for him, took extra time to get myself ready with him in mind. I sent him "for his eyes only" pictures a couple of time in the day to let him know I was thinking of him. I gave him a massage after we got home from the gym a couple of nights. Over the weekend when I was running errands I put in the effort to cross off some of the to-do's he had mentioned he wanted to do (oil and air filter changes, paying some bills, buying a gift for his co-worker who's retiring), to lighten his load. I also made an effort to more actively seek out his guidance follow his lead in planning the weekends.
Yesterday, after two weeks of re-dedicating myself to him, just as I was heading out the door to the gym DH pulled my arm back and turned me around so I was tight in his arms facing him. I went to snuggle my face into his shoulder but instead he lifted my chin up to look at him and said: "I know you made a big effort over the holidays to receive our guests in the best way possible. But, I really love how you've been receiving ME these last few weeks. I see such a difference in how mentally, emotionally and physically receptive you've been, and everyday it makes me want to rush home and show you my appreciation". I had a literal weak-at-the-knees, swoon, heart-melting moment as he gave me a few tender kisses on the forehead, nose and lips before turning me around and swatting my butt to lead me out the door to the gym.
As I was working out, his words just kept replaying in my head. As a "modern" working woman, it's sometimes hard for me to identify with being a "trad", "surrendered" or "submissive" wife.... but a "receptive" wife, that I can 100% identify with. And, let me tell you, not only is it 100% appreciated by DH, but receiving my husband every day, in every way, feels so, so good.
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