A few years back when I was an adolescent I had the nudging idea that I never was in control of my own life, and that this is merely an illusion meant to keep people complacent. I never entertained the idea for too long, but it was always there, gnawing ravenously in the back of my head. It would never fully go away, and it wasn't until recently when the full weight of the realization came crashing down on me, that I have never been in control of my life. There was and still is a giant hand wrapped around my neck, ready to snap it like a twig if I step out of line. I've never done anything freely because every single aspect of my life has been tightly regulated by someone else who has always made me do things outside of my free will.

These were

  • My father, who would beat me bloody whenever I did not conform to his strict religious ideology
  • My pre-school teachers, who humiliated me for being a foreigner and poorly catching onto their language
  • My former highschool authorities, who would treat me like garbage and have the school resource officer escort me off the school for (politely) questioning their inane "zero tolerance" rule.
  • My gym coach, who found out I had sex with a girl and used it to blackmail me into self-degrading acts.
  • Those asshole ex-military police, who have arrested me for a false "under the influence" although I passed a breathalyzer, because they didn't "like my attitude" (giving them ID card, taking the test, shutting the fuck up)
  • My current PSgt SADIST who owns my ass and controls every single second of my day, from waking up to taking a shit to when I get to have a smoke to when I can eat.

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This is just keeping it short because the list could go on.a lot. I've had several authority figures that were very benevolent and God bless those people, but most of them for that part were total sadistic shitbags who have caused me a deep-seated hatred for those in charge, and it's as if no matter where I look, I am never in control of my own life - somebody is doing it for me, although I never asked for it and it's always done "for the good of society and selflessness". Conform, submit, serve seems to be the three magic words I've been force fed my entire life.

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Please... I want it to stop. I want to be in control of my own life again and I don't want any of that soft sentimental feel-good shit other subreddits tell me about. How can I finally take charge of my own life and stop being at the mercy of others?