Well hey guys/girls, I haven't posted on here for so long, and rightly so as I've been involved with the girl I mentioned in a previous FR. Honestly, it's out of complacency more than anything (for the both of us); nothing soothes like uncomplicated sex.

I'm here to relate a few things and ask some others. I really want to say how seddit, despite all of its warts, has changed me this summer. I have always felt I'm a naturally positive, ebullient guy who goes after what he wants and can get it, but often I need vicarious validation: reading all the FRs, especially the failures, has affirmed that its good work to strike against fear to become the person you know you are. (I'm quite tired and yes, acknowledge the lamentable state of my language at the moment). So, although I haven't gone "sargeing" (I don't like clubs, etc.) I've been talking to more people than I ever used to (not everyone, yet), making eye contact with girls I wouldn't have before, and seem to be considering the potential in people I would otherwise have stereotyped because of my own insecurities. All good stuff. Really it's surprising how simple it is to change your life in a big way. Smiling, eye contact, AND the most important thing: being yourself CONFIDENTLY. I know now what people love most about me: when I'm ME. just do what I want to do without considering how it might look. I say what I want to say, wear what I want to wear; in general i'm trying to be as comfortable as I can be, to put myself in the best place where I can be my natural self (I think it's society that's taught me my poor ways with women; when I'm 100% in the moment, just myself, I'm fine). It's been so freeing! Often I don't even look in mirrors just because I know more often than not I'll criticize something, become self-conscious about something, and be in a worse mood because of it! And people won't care about the fleck of dry skin they won't notice! I'm having regular, uncomplicated sex, and don't feel needy or scared of it ending because I'm meeting so many new people and I know I can go out and meet new women easily. Wow!

At a festival a few weeks back, I met a girl I thought/maybe think is a dreamgirl. Really hippie girl, musician, like watching the sun part the clouds it is to see her smile. Anyway, I've been hanging out with this girl but I've run into the familiar problem of being intimidated by a woman I'm genuinely attracted to as a person I might like to have a serious relationship with. "She's out of my league; I'm not cool enough for her; she knows everyone/meets everyone, probably dates the ghost of Jim Morrison." Predictably I have trouble initiating kino and establishing ANY sexual vibe whatsoever. Probably will be friendzoned but it's not really bothering me because I'm leaving where I'm living soon and the more I get to know this girl the less she really seems for me (or am I rejecting myself before I've been rejected?).

I was out with her and some friends to a show (bands) last night, trying to track the mating rituals of a hippie girl (do you know this type of girl? she seems so pure and innocent and can say things like "Ah, I'm so wet" if she sits on a rain-covered surface and never consider the possible sexual interpretation) when a hippie looking guy (no shirt, beard, talking about hitch hiking, drinking freely in the street, so happy, wearing a cap) approached her and started talking to her. He didn't ONCE break eye contact or stop smiling; they both started giggling and already he was initiating light touch; he wasn't even saying anything REMOTELY interesting, just being genuine with his sexual interest. At one point he started to grunt like an ape and they mimicked monkeys together. This was EXACTLY what I needed to see. Across culture, within culture, attraction is probably the same thing. You see something you want and you act on your intent to take it. It's no different for a hipster or a hippy. You might think I was angry because this man clearly won her love immediately as I watched, but I just really needed to see that to understand IT'S NOT COMPLICATED, IT'S ALWAYS MORE SIMPLE THAN YOU THINK.

What happens from here on? Well I dunno! I haven't had a case of unrequited love for awhile, and it's probably too late for me, but I'll make some sort of move soon, as I don't think I could be friends with this girl without being attracted to her.

But I know this from the whole experience: I have trouble communicating my intent, for whatever reason (and the reason doesn't matter as much as knowledge of it does). When I don't communicate my intent around women I'm actually really attracted to, I become self-conscious because I KNOW I'm not expressing my true self. This creates tension, anxiety, and I'm out of the moment. Less creative, less fun, more self-conscious. So what do I have to do? Well, lucky for me, I have to start communicating my sexual intent and let it decide what happens, rather than waiting to be decided upon. I'm not "of less value" than an attractive woman, and it's ridiculous for me to be so incongruent around the woman I'm currently most attracted to: I have to be myself, and that means expressing all aspects of my personality. Act on intent! It's what people want!

Time to get out of my head and have fun.

Thanks for letting me expressing myself, folks. I'm certain there are many typos and inconsistencies, but that's how it is.