If you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back at you. That's what I'd say about my current situation.

I find women online that "serve" me, as in I give them commands and they fulfill them by recording themselves. I don't pay for that shit by the way. That's as far as my sexual experience goes. I think that's why I'm resorting to it. It's been 7 years, gradually increasing as I was getting more jacked and more "lucky" with them. I am using snapchat, kik, skype, you name it, I got it all. Deleted and created accounts many, many times. I want to go monk mode, and plan everything thru the day, but when the day comes, I give in, ONLY due to the fact that I think "Well fuck, I'm alone, might as well find someone and get off", "If I can't have the hottie, why should I bother with an HB4? Better go on Kik and find that subslut to get me off". Fuck, I don't mind the kink at all, I mind the filth I feel as I'm searching, getting off, and afterwards. The pure filth and the feeling of failure. And the time spent doing this. But I'd do it again in a day or two.

How do I stop? Fucked up many of my days. I don't want this filth in my life anymore. I am 23 and I think it's time I fucking step on my neck and turn my life around. But I've failed so many times that I do not truly believe I will ever succeed. I don't know how to get out of this rabbit hole, I don't know what to replace the activity with. I've never been in a relationship and that's why I justify it. But even now, when I know it's bad, and getting worse, would still turn to it rather than even consider an HB4. I'm ashamed of that fact, that I'm 23 and single, and that I've become so shallow.

I believed I would be getting women regularly at 23, when I was 17. Shit didn't work out. I don't want to be 30 and at the same place I am now. FUCK

May not be the right sub, but fuck it, I'm here.