I have finally started moving towards who I want to be. It's been a tumultuous ride. I picked up The Game sometime when I was a sophomore. I burned right through it and then ordered some of Style's suggested books. I am now graduated as of the end of the summer (22). I tried several times over the years to start reading, work on inner game, find some places to approach people, increase how many people I socialized with everywhere. When I was much younger I was very introverted and the lack of social experience made me shy. As a freshmen, I wanted to turn over a whole new lear. I approached groups, girls, guys, everyone, like crazy. Walking up confidentally and announcing, "Hi, I am Starbright." always went over well. Sometimes I would get bored of the uninteresting people and just walk away after a minute or two or other times I would stay in an extended conversation with a member or two of the group for the duration of the event. Despite that early success I burned out a little with the intensity of that method. I have had so many passions and curiousities. It was intensely frusteration and a little humiliating to be grounded by intense goals and expectations. There were only a small handful of challenging tasks that got me into flow: Ceramics, designing or learning technical things, math or the hard sciences. I know that getting better at stuff was a processes but that was not was ingrained in my head. When I was watchin the series: Avatar: The Last Airbender, a quote stuck with me that I have only this spring have I begun to really understand in depth.

Prince Zuko: But I don't feel any shame at all! I'm as proud as ever! Uncle Iroh: Prince Zuko, pride is not the opposite of shame, but it's source. True humility is the only antidote to shame.

And really, that's what the problem was. I am a very proud person. It is my main vice by far. I am very socially aware and therefore have never had a problem with bragging or bravado, but pride has been a very hurtful experience. The shame of not being anywhere near my expectations would make me anxious and unable to move forward, and then I would feel anxious about not moving forward untill I neared a breakdown and then I would just try and block it all out of my mind. I spun my wheels in this fashion for years - well - all my life UNTILL NOW.

I decided to set aside all my dreams and aspirations and dig in untill I found the root of my sticking point - the thing that was halting all my habits as I tried to create them, that undermined my inner growth, that crushed my positive attitude, (the list goes on). I came up with a few practical mantras that would help ease my mind. Reframing a psycholoical sticking point is different for everyone so you might have to add others or change it up as necessary.

I am moving forward or just Moving Forward

The other big one delt with habits - which whether you believe it or not are the core of any change you wish to bring about.

A new habit starts NOW You can't start a habit tomorrow. All you are doing is creating a habit of putting off the creation of habits. Let that blow your mind. You want to start something? Do it for five minutes, then trying and stop. You probably won't be able to. You will get excited and pumped up. Now, quit and move on to what you were doing. That new habit just got supercharged.

I will leave you with one last mantra:

There is only now I use this when my mind starts running from the present -- Running to far off expectations or possibilities, etc, etc. I infuse it with a little power as I say it to myself. I have started to realize how strong I am if I am not undermining myself. Other people have seen my strength. It is about time that I give it its just due.

Edit: some small mistakes