I do comedy and I am constantly researching the “philosophy” of what makes things funny. A professor named Peter McGraw has introduced a new theory called the “benign violation” theory, which basically says that something is funny when it is a “violation” (i.e., an attack or something else fucked up or socially unacceptable) but is benign at the same time. Here is a snippet from his website:

The theory builds on work by a linguist, Tom Veatch, and integrates existing humor theories to propose that humor occurs when and only when three conditions are satisfied: (1) a situation is a violation, (2) the situation is benign, and (3) both perceptions occur simultaneously. For example, play fighting and tickling, which produce laughter in humans (and other primates), are benign violations because they are physically threatening but harmless attacks.

http://leeds-faculty.colorado.edu/mcgrawp/Benign_Violation_Theory.html

I don’t think this theory can explain all comedy, but I think this concept can be used in the PUA world. In fact, I think it is necessary. Here’s why:

There is a weird power dynamic between men and women. On one hand, women are attracted to powerful, confident, dominant men but on the other hand they themselves want to feel important and respected as well. If a man acts too “nice” and supplicates and demeans himself too much women reject him because he no longer looks powerful and confident, but if he acts like an asshole women reject him because he makes them feel shitty. The way to square this circle is to tease women using “benign violations” that simultaneously assert the man’s superiority but at the same time don’t actually hurt her feelings.

One of the most famous and misunderstood and misapplied concepts in all the PUA world is the “neg.” A “neg” is basically a mildly rude comment or insult to show a woman you aren’t captivated by her. Unfortunately most amateurs are stupid and they use the “neg” theory to just insult women in a shitty way, thereby negating the “benign” part. Girls now know PUA theory and are on the lookout for “negs.” I was once hanging out with a group of girls and one of the dudes in our groups said something and one of the girls said “did you just neg me?” LOL, no pussy for him.

When I first meet women, I instantly go into “benign violation” mode. I seek to attack her, mock her, degrade her, etc… But in a benign way. I see every conversation with a new woman as basically going to war. It’s a battle of wits and I have to let her know I’m the superior one. Once we establish a rapport, however, and she starts being nice to me I will be nice back. This may sound douchey to you, but I have a very good reason for doing this:

Men have a natural desire from evolution to be providers and protectors. We naturally want to buy things for women and protect them from harm. But while it is good to express this desire in a relationship, it is an irrational impulse rooted in our biology and it is inappropriate to express around a woman you just met and/or don’t have a relationship with. A woman expects her husband to protect and provide for him, but if some random guy at a bar came up to her and started “protecting” her and “providing” her she would just think he was weird. Just like a guy who is motivated by his dick irrationally, a guy who is motivated by these instincts irrationally is a creep. A particularly interesting example of this impulse run amok is when old rich guys buy porn stars gifts on their Amazon wish list and get nothing back. They don’t even meet the porn stars – it is clear they are just expressing some weird provider instinct.

The problem with the protector/provider instinct is that it comes off as condescending and patronizing to women you don’t know. The P/P instinct is an irrational emotion, and it doesn’t make sense for a man to speak to a woman like she’s a child when she considers herself intelligent, strong and independent. Women want to be challenged and have a discussion with a man as an equal. Women work jobs, they pay bills, they overcome challenges all the time, which is why they disrespect random guys at the bar that talk to them like they are 5 years old.

Most guys sound like absolute idiots when they talk to women. It’s like their IQ drops 50 points, they blindly agree with whatever she says, and they shower her with undeserved compliments. I am convinced this is because the protector/provider instinct in play. I can confess I am sometimes guilty of it too. When I am drunk I find myself buying girls drinks, acting overly “nice,” doing whatever she says. I need my rational brain to intervene.

To counteract the protector/provider instinct, I kick into benign violation mode. Like I said, I attack, I degrade, I mock, etc… But all in good fun. Using benign violations is a skill because it requires you to know where the “line” is. You need to make sure you don’t say anything that will actually offend or insult her. It requires emotional intelligence and regular intelligence and an ability to read people. The “line” for a stripper will be different than the “line” for a doctor. The “line” for a black girl is different than the “line” for a white girl. For example, you should never insult a woman’s religion or political beliefs because those are probably important beliefs for her. If a woman tells me she has a shitty job I never make fun of her job because obviously that will hurt her feelings, it’s not like she can change her job at will.

For example, let’s say a woman tells you she is a vegan. Even if you think veganism is stupid like I do you shouldn’t criticize veganism because that’s obviously a decision she made and it’s doubtful she is going to just change her opinion because you told her she’s stupid. A better comeback might be “are you allowed to eat animal crackers?” If she says yes, you say, “well then you’re not really a vegan.” You are attacking her veganism, but it’s obviously a joke.

Some more reasons for benign violations: First, it’s fun. It’s boring for a guy to just sit there and agree with whatever she says and toss out fake compliments, all the white walking on eggshells hoping she likes him. Hitting her with benign violations show her that you are powerful, but they also give her a chance to show you that SHE is powerful with her retort. It’s a fun back and forth banter where you both challenge each other. Benign violations also show a closeness, like you are old friends busting each other’s balls. Imagine if you saw a group of guys that just complimented each other all day – you would think they were weird or strangers or something.