hi seddit, this is my first post here, i hope it will be an enriching discussion for everyone! for first i want to apologize for my not-so-good english: it's not my primary language. sorry! let's start:

i joined a seduction community forum in my country (i live in europe) about 5 years ago, more or less in 2011 at that time i had some experience with women, i was 28, sexually active from 17 and i had about a total of 5 or 6 girls, a couple of ltr and other small relationships (few months), i never had big numbers but no particular problem with women either, except one. all the girls i was very interested in seem to fade away within months from meeting me. my only long lasting relationships, 5 and 3 years, were with girls that i wasn't so much into (big mistake, especially the three years one but hey, i was a kid). i remember vividly that my second relationship ended with the girl telling me that i have not enough balls. not that i was a white knight or a beta, never was, but it wasn't enough apparently.

and here comes the first info about me: i battled with serious illness two times in my life, and from a very young age. that process was very formative and i learned a lot from that experience, and i tend to not get angry with people in general because i don't get mad about little things..it's a matter of perspective, when you deal with something this serious all other things became irrelevant.

anyway, back on topic. shift back in 2011, i started my "ladies man" life: i wasn't getting big numbers but i had around four girls for year, all in short ltr of a few months each. the less i was interested with a girl, the more she liked me, and on the opposite every fucking time i cared a little more, i open a little more of myself (not about my medical past, i always talked about it in a normal way and it wasn't a problem for me) and when i was starting to be a little more affectionate to the girl, she would leave me. every. single. time.

now. as you can guess, i'm tired of this. i could and i had my numbers, but it's no more about having sex: i want a deep relationship, where the two parts can grow and experience life together and enrich the other one, and this problem need to be addressed. women actively punish you from being emotional and from reacting in an emotional way, and i want to learn how to deal with this. better, i want to overcome this problem establishing the right state of mind.

i've noticed those things: when i'm seeking for a ltr, i seek for dialogue, comprehension, i'm a person that constantly tries to learn new things about myself, a student in some way, and i consider the girl on the same level of mine. but it's a big mistake. i open up myself too early and often i can't control emotions very well. that projects insecurity, sometimes the situations slip from my hands and i'm very anxious, at the beginning it's easy because you keep spinning plates so to say, if the girl doesn't respond to a text soon enough no big deal, if she flake, no big deal too because you have options.

but i don't want to search validation in "other girls" anymore, it builds a fake confidence. when problems arise, or when that emotional part of me that is not developed enough comes out, having options is not a solution, is running away from problems.

i want to learn how to be a man, more that i'm now, in a relationship. i want to learn how to be more respectable (please don't think i'm a beta or something, i lead, i decide, but when i'm in bad situations i talk to my partner and express honestly what i'm feeling, what i fear, what i'm dealing with, and often this may be too much (or too much in a short time from meeting, say a couple of months)), how to be that strong father figure that my father wasn't (i love him anyway). because if that's true that women (unconsciously) punish you for displaying weakness (or neediness), they test you more and more until you slip and they loose respect for you, is even true that they reward you when you behave like a man.

problem is that no one taught me how to be a man, i was raised mostly by females and that can be a problem later in life.

where can i start? i've already read the power of now, and it helped me to connect to my inner stability, but it's not enough. i slip into anxiety when a problem arise (mostly attraction fading out) and i don't react very well. i'm trying to learn to be more calm and focused when i start noticing that the attraction is going away, but i don't know how to reverse the process.

i bought models by mark manson, and i've read some chapters and it seems good. is there something more that i can do?

thanks for reading!