Hey, so I've been lurking this sub for a while and have been reading the recommended books, so I know a lot already about what girls find attractive/unattractive and different techniques Inner/Outer game etc. but have been having major difficulty getting started.

A little about me: I'm 24, virgin, never been with a girl, I'm sure this probably sounds familiar since I know a lot of the posts on here have been from guys in similar situations. I've had a lot of self-esteem issues growing up due to bullying and my home environment with extremely strict mother who was in an abusive marriage. I had a very emotionally abusive adolescence and spent most of my time trying to hide away, terrified of socialization and getting into trouble at home. Since I've left after high school I've worked a lot on being social and have some friends but I've never gotten close to anyone emotionally or physically, even though Im comfortable with talking to girls I never tried to ask anyone out or show any interest at all. I've decided that this year I want to change that but feel like the "old me" is holding me back and leaving me unable to do anything.

My biggest problem is I feel like I'm unworthy of affection. I've gotten so used to being alone and watching others be intimate or close that I feel like that's all I am, a spectator. When I'm in bars or clubs I watch couples together and end up feeling like an alien trying to study human behavior. Right now I have a job, exercise, am not bad looking and am working on finding new hobbies but I still can't shake the belief that I'm a loser who was meant to be alone. The worst thing is that this causes me to sabotage myself whenever a girl talks to me. The other day I was at a club and a girl complimented my clothing and I basically brushed her off and didn't even try to flirt or escalate at all. I normally just act so stoic and serious that I just end up driving people away. It's like part of me wants so badly to change but another part of me is resisting every opportunity because it goes so against how I grew up (I still can't break out of the belief that sexuality is somehow immoral and that it's wrong for me to even be thinking about it.) It's like loneliness has become such a part of me that I literally can't even imagine anyone wanting to be close to me, I've even gotten angry at the thoughtful someone being attracted to me, like It would somehow be going against nature itself and that anyone who actually likes me would be "wrong" for feeling that way. (As absolutely crazy as that sounds) I don't really know why I'm posting this, partly just to rant but also to maybe get advice from others who were in my situation who got out of it, just so that I have some hope that it is possible. I really feel like my own worst enemy because I just can't break this mental block that I don't have a right to express attraction to others and receive it in return. Help please?