Famed Psychologist Robert Cialdini wrote Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion in the hopes that readers would learn to avoid being swayed by psychological manipulation tactics.

 

He explained, in great detail, the persuasive power of the six forces of influence: scarcity, reciprocation, commitment and consistency, social proof, liking, and authority. Cialdini showed the world how these principles unconsciously affect our decision making every single day.

 

Despite Cialdini’s intentions, Influence is more than a crash course on how to resist being influenced by the six principles. Influence is also a blueprint on how to use these principles to be more effective at getting people to do what you want them to. Cialdini’s book has guided a generation of marketers to wealth and prosperity (As one example, Tai Lopez uses these principles exhaustively in his ads).

 

Although Influence was written with marketing and sales in mind, it’s applications are not limited to our business lives. If used effectively Cialdini’s principles of influence can be used to become far more persuasive in interpersonal interactions as well. In this article, I’m going to show you how to use the six principles of influence to transform your dating life.

 

The six triggers for influence are not gimmicks or tricks, they are the foundational principles that will empower you to get people (specifically, women) to follow your lead. Other factors, like your physical attractiveness and status certainly play a role, but unlike those factors; the six principles of influence are under your immediate control. Leverage them effectively and your results in dating will be radically improved.

 

Liking

 

Unsurprisingly, the more someone likes you, the more influence you will have over them. What is surprising, however, is how ineffective most men are at using this principle in their favor. You can make women consistently like you more with simple strategies that take little effort to perfect. If a woman likes you, she will trust your intentions for her are positive and thus be more open to being lead in the direction of your choosing. There are two easy-to-use strategies to create liking we’ll go over, similarity and compliments.

 

Similarity

In Influence, Cialdini writes, “We like people who are similar to us (Byrne, 1971). This fact seems to hold true whether the similarity is in the area of opinions, personality traits, background, or lifestyle. Consequently, those who want us to like them so that we will comply with them can accomplish that purpose by appearing similar to us in a wide variety of ways.”

 

Extensive research has found that liking is powerful. For example, one researcher found that customers were more likely to buy from insurance representatives how had similarities in age, political affiliation, and religion. You might be thinking, “ That’s cool, but these basic club girls have nothing in common with me.” You can create a sense of similarity with anyone, you just have to dig for commonalities.

 

Although generally frowned upon, interview-style questions are very useful if you use them properly. These questions can be an engine for finding similarities, and thus creating a sense of mutual liking and trust.

 

Have you ever been in a foreign country and found that a stranger was from the same city as you, and suddenly, you were comfortable with each other and felt like friends? This is the basic effect you are aiming to create.

 

Simple questions such as, “Where are you from?” “What do you do for a living?” and “What are you passionate about?” are goldmines for creating a sense of similarity. For example, if a girl says she’s a marketer, and you binge watched Gary Vaynerchuck videos last night, you now can create a conversational thread that will induce a feeling of similarity (additionally, this opens the door for a conversation about a topic she’s personally invested in, which will be especially interesting to her). If she’s from California and you visit there every year because it’s your favorite state, and you plan on moving there some day, talking about this will help create a sense of connection.

 

If you can’t find any commonalities in your background, you can find cultural similarities. I can honestly say that Game of Thrones has helped me get laid. The similarity can be as simple as bingeing on the same television show or having read the same book. Ask about her interests, and you should easily be able to find commonalities.

 

Finding similarities creates a feeling of connection, a feeling that you and she are not ‘other’, and the more commonalities you find (and the deeper you delve into any particular one) the more powerful this effect becomes. It’s like crafting a web, and once you’ve found enough commonalities you will feel like old friends who’ve known each other for years.

 

Similarities that are banal (like Game of Thrones) are effective for creating a sense of similarity, but the more emotional the topic, the more powerful the connection you will create. If you can make her feel connected to you through your shared values and desires, the effect will be intoxicating for her. Taking your conversations (yes, even at a club) towards topics like your life goals, frustrations, and values; and finding where you and her overlap in this regard will create a profound emotional connection for a woman that will vastly increase the influence you have with her.

 

Compliments

Most men are very stubborn when it comes to giving out compliments, yet their power (when done well) is profound. Research has shown that compliments are a powerful force for creating liking and influence (Drachman, deCarufel, & Insko). Just as importantly, studies have found that we tend to believe compliments even when they’re untrue (Byrne, Rasche, and Kelley).

 

I tend to avoid telling girls how beautiful and attractive they are because this puts a lot of pressure on a girl and makes me seem too available (we’ll go over scarcity soon). Instead, I compliment a woman’s personality. Beautiful women get plenty of attention for their looks, and this can lead them to feel that the only value people see in them is that of their good genes. Because of this, compliments about who an attractive woman is as a person are especially effective. To work, your compliment doesn’t have to be elaborate, it can be as simple as, “I like you, you’re actually cool.” In fact, I have a friend who uses this compliment in all of his interactions to great effect.

 

Of course, the more specific and personal the compliment, the more effective it will be. If you compliment a girl on her intelligence because of a clever reference she made, it will feel more meaningful to her than a generic compliment.

 

Now, you might think you shouldn’t give a compliment to someone unless you like them. Personally, I know that by giving compliments out generously (and for the most part, honestly), the person will like me more as a result, and then they will become more likeable (this is known as the Pygmalion effect in psychology).

 

Many men who learn about dating advice avoid giving women compliments like the plague because they don’t want to let girls know they’re attracted to them. This reasoning has some validity, but there’s an important nuance. You shouldn’t be too obvious that you are interested in a girl sexually, but you should be obvious that you like her as a person. Think of someone who doesn’t like you who you really enjoy being around. Can’t think of anyone? Exactly.

 

Create a sense of similarity and positivity (through compliments) in your interactions with women and they will enjoy your company more, they will feel magnetically drawn to you. We all like people who make us feel likeable and interesting. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be challenging, but it does mean you shouldn’t always be challenging. The baseline for your interaction should be positive to create a since of liking and rapport, then, to increase sexual tension, you can be challenging or create a sense of scarcity.

 

Social Proof

 

The human brain determines what behaviors are appropriate based on what other people in the environment are doing. Over millions of years the human brain evolved an unconscious fear of behaving in a way that is socially inappropriate. If ancient humans in a way that wasn’t appropriate, they could easily have been ostracized from their tribe (or killed). So, we have a natural bias to be defensive and look to others for what behaviors are appropriate.

 

What does this mean for dating? It means that a woman will be careful not to act in ways that her friends will deem inappropriate if she is with them. It also means a woman will have a different set of emotions and behaviors for the different men she interacts with.

 

For most women, it’s socially inappropriate to be pulled from a club to get fucked by a man she doesn’t know. Even though a particular woman might want to do this, she will feel resistance to the idea if doing so would be risking judgment from her friends. To an extent, this resistance can be counteracted through the other principles of influence. If a girl really really likes you, has received value from you, has ] and sees you as an authority; then there’s a good chance she will go home with you despite her fear of being judged.

 

However, this factor shouldn’t be ignored because it could easily make the difference between pulling a girl home or not. This is why isolation is so valuable, if you can get a girl to separate from her friends, she will feel less obligated to act in a way that won’t get her judged by her them. First, you might separate a girl from her group by inviting her to the dance floor. Now you can dance with her, make out with her, etc. Then, you might suggest getting some fresh air in front of the club or lead her to another venue. Now she’s in a different venue from her friends and she is going to be less concerned about being judged by them. Therefore, the likelihood that she will agree to go home with you increase.

 

Within an interaction your behavior is a type of very direct social proof. Your behaviors teach her how she should act around you.

 

(Sidenote: The more value you have in her eyes, the more your actions will affect her sense of how she should act, so if you have no value, these strategies won’t work---part 2 will cover reciprocation and liking which are two effective strategies for increasing your value.

 

If you act stifled and formal around a girl, you are indicating that when she’s interacting with you, stifled and formal behavior is appropriate. If you are sexual and fun, then you are sending the message that sexual and fun behavior is appropriate.

 

This effect can be difficult to notice; most people aren’t consciously aware of how their behavior is affecting the behavior of those around them. In fact, meeting women is difficult for some guys because women act uninterested and asexual when interacting with them. Of course, they don’t know that these same women act like total sluts around a fun, sexual guy.

 

I have a friend who is great at offering value to women, he’s confident, positive, and calibrated. Many women he meets are interested in him. Unfortunately, social proof works against him. He is terrified of showing his sexual interest, and because of this, women eventually assume he’s not interested in them and they move on.

 

He’s waiting for girls to make it very clear that it’s okay for him to be sexual and fun, and because women need men to social proof this behavior before they’ll act that way, he convinces himself these women aren’t interested in him; even though, from an outsider’s perspective it’s clear they are.

 

Some guys just don’t know how to present themselves as a source of value to women. If this is you, social proofing sexuality won’t accomplish much.

 

There are many other guys, however, who do offer value to women but they never make anything happen because they wait for women’s permission to act sexually. If this is you, you can exponentially increase your results in a short period.

 

Easier said than done, right? The key is to systematize this. Set a goal to add sexuality to your interactions one step at a time. Your first goal might be to regularly ask girls to the dance floor or to increase your physicality. Your next goal might be to flirt more directly or to lean in for the kiss whenever you think a girl might like you.

 

So long as you have sexual value to the women you’re interacting with, this process can quickly increase your close rate.

 

If you missed part one you can find it here: http://socialinception.net/post-615/