My social circle spans three states. I spend a lot of time on the road and have moved a few times and a lot of them have watched me go from notably shy math geek to the local plug for acid, weed, and a few other things, to raging alcoholic/addict to me today. Today I an unparalleled career for someone my age. I love what I do for a living.

I got sober, started going to therapy and working on myself emotionally, and started living my life like I am going to die one day.

When we all met none of us had confidence. For the majority of the time I was able to drink and drug my way into confidence, or out of the feelings I would get for not having it.

Then I got sober.

I had six months before relapsing in December, and today is day 140 after that episode. In that time I had become pissed off at living in fear, being sexually frustrated, ruled by the opinion of women I was too afraid to even talk to, and resenting myself for being too afraid to go after what I want.

Now I really do not hold back, I am a few shades closer to genuinely not giving a fuck and telling it like it is.

Now I find myself asking "Why didn't anybody call me?" more often. Or someone going off the grid not long before we are supposed to meet up. It took a few occurrences for me to realize that it was when there were girls around I was not.

Just last friday I went to the local pool hall with two friends from AA. All week the plan was to pay pool with two guys I met right after getting sober again. (One of them is gay) In the evening they say they are not going to play pool anymore because they are going to go bowling with the straight one's boss.

Wouldn't you know they walk into the same pool hall with a few other guys from the same social circle. There are six or seven guys and one 6.5/10 basking in all the attention she is getting.

I pay her no attention because she is clearly dumb as a fucking door stop shaped brick box of hammers, say whats up to the guys and go back to my game. Once this last game is over I say me and my people are gonna go joyriding on some back roads (I love PA) and peace out of there.

My life does not revolve around women; (made that mistake a few times once) I do shit, I work on my car, I work on my house, I tailor my clothes to fit me the way they should, I go explore this world we live in like I was playing Grand Theft Auto.

It is frustrating to see grown ass men doing all this shit, for the sole purpose of the approval of women.