Challenge Background

I'm at a watershed moment in my life. I've got some bad habits and fears that are keeping me from living in a way that I feel is honest and authentic. This may sound kind of cliche, but some events in my life over the last 9 months seriously forced me to open up and connect with my emotions (for the first time in my life), and I have this very distinct feeling that what I need right now is massive, committed action.

I feel this build up of energy, like I know that I should take action and at least try -- even if I fail miserably, make A LOT of mistakes, embarrass myself, and probably cause some damage unintentionally -- to sort my life out and start living how I honestly feel I should live, but I really feel nervous and afraid. I’m afraid of being vulnerable. I’m afraid of being alone, and having my loneliness be made worse by acting and making the inevitable stupid mistakes that I will make.

Battling with my fear, however, is my desperation to change the way I relate to my experience of life. Something in me does not want to live in fear and anxiety any more, it wants to act with honesty, bravery, and vulnerability. It wants to be bold, and laugh, and play, and love openly. It wants to relieve me of the tragedy that is a life lived too seriously. Kind of ironically, I seriously want to give everything to this thing in me that wants me to live like this.

It doesn't feel okay to me anymore to be the kind of guy who treats the menu like the meal, or the map like the territory -- I'm tired of reading things about how to improve my life and cultivate a healthy way of expressing myself sexually. So I'm doing something about it. I'm taking action. Today.

Days 12, 13, and 14: A Big Step

If you've been reading my updates, then you'll know that I've been able to approach women in scenarios where I have a minute to sit there and work up the nerve, but when I'm out walking around I just choke because of the intense anxiety.

Another thing I've noticed is the surge of negative emotion that has come up has a result the multiple days I've had where I don't do any approaches. Its true that some days the opportunity may not be there for one reason or another (work, other plans, I don't come across any girl I'm honestly attracted to, etc.), which is fine, but I've now had several days where I actually went out with the intention of approaching and didn't do it.

Two days ago was one of those days (day 12). I actually went out to a crowded, popular outdoor mall with the intention of doing my two approaches, but ended up walking a couple laps and going home because I choked on one approach, and then choked on the other opportunities as well. I've been aware as feelings of failure and giving up have arisen, as well as excuses and thoughts trying to rationalize why I shouldn't be approaching women like I am, or why I should give up this challenge (I don't actually want to be doing thing, this is way too much time and effort, doing this as a numbers game is unhealthy and dishonest, I'm only building bad habits of relating to women this way, etc.).

Two nights ago and yesterday (Day 13), however, I sat and thought about this challenge. I reflected on what my goals were at the beginning of this challenge -- what was my "why" when I started. My goals are to build courage in the face of vulnerability, to learn to act despite the presence of negative emotions like fear and anxiety, to learn to comfortable with expressing myself sexually, to open up opportunities for amazing, meaningful connections and experiences with women, and to regain trust in that I will do what I say I'm going to do. Reflecting on these goals were a good reminder that so long as these goals are at the core of what I do, nothing but good things can come from this -- and also that, given these goals are a major part of the kind of life I feel I should live, there really is nothing better I could be spending time working on.

Let's get into it.

Day 13, Approach #14: Sophia

So I go out again to this outdoor mall, and I sat in my car for a minute. Excuses were raging through my head. After a second, I realized I was just sitting there wasting time by making excuses, so I started counting down from 5 (#MelRobbins) and before I hit 1 I was out of my car and walking.

Side Note: I've taken several cold shower challenges in the past (and I'm currently doing one), and one of the things I did was right before I would step in, when excuses are raging and I feel anxiety and apprehension, I count down from 3, and step the fuck in. I would do this every time. I'm sure someone has posted on this sub about cold showers before, but part of the philosophy of cold showers is to look discomfort, anxiety, apprehension, and excuses in the face, and do it any way. It's very similar to approaching women, in that aspect.

Back to the story: I go to cross the street and immediately there is this stunning brunette walking towards me holding a a drink and a take-home box. Without even thinking about it, I stopped her:

Me: Excuse me.

Her: Yeah?

Me: I know this is random, but I really liked your look and I wanted to stop you and say hi!

Her: smiling Oh my gosh, thank you!

Me: laughing Yeah. (I noticed by her body language that she was intent on heading somewhere) Are you in a hurry? I don't want to keep you if you've got somewhere to be.

Her: Ehh, yes and no.

Me: What's your name?

Her: Sophia.

Me: Nice to meet you Sophia, I'm Nate. I'd shake your hand but.. kind of laughing, acknowledging her full hands

Her: Oh! frees up hand and shakes my hand. Nice to meet you. Then she started walking away.. Have a good night!

Me: You too.

Reflection: I'm just super happy that I actually opened my mouth. It's something I've read a lot before, particularly on here, but this is the first time I just approached without thinking about it at all. I think I had her interest for a moment, but instead of acknowledging the hand shake thing, I think I should have moved on and just asked for her number, especially since I could tell she was on her way somewhere.

Day 13, Approach #15: Unknown

Very shortly after I leaving the first interaction, I see a cute girl in a black dress walking in the opposite direction of me, she's crossing to the other side of the mall, and I lightly jog to catch up with her:

Me: Excuse me?

Her: didn't hear

Me: Excuse me?

Her: turning around and looking at me

Me: Hey, I know this is really random, but I thought you were cute and wanted to say hi.

Then, as soon as I finished my sentence, a guy comes and stands next to her.

Me: Oh, are you here with him?

Her: not really registering what was going on

Me: turning attention to the guy Are you here with her? (note that this happened super quick, no awkward pause/silence)

Him: Yeah!

Me: Oh, cool! I thought she was cute, so I wanted to say hi.

Him: laughs Yeah, she is super cute

Me: laughing/walking away Have a good night guys.

Reflection: Overall, I'm pretty happy with this interaction. This is the first time I've had another person bust into the interaction, but I handled it with a smile and good energy, and the interaction didn't feel awkward, just kind of random. Also, guess how long both of these approaches took, combined??? 5 minutes

Onto Day 14: I went out twice today (for about 15-20 minutes each) to aforementioned outdoor mall, but I didn't run into any girls I was honestly attracted to. The second time I went there was around 10:30pm, so there were definitely a lot of people there, and definitely a lot of really cute girls, but most were inside the bars and not out walking around. I had to work kind of late tonight, so that's why I got there at a weird time. I don't feel comfortable walking into bars by myself and approaching girls there -- so I guess that's the next step, right?

General

I honestly feel like I made huge progress these last couple days by successfully doing two of these spontaneous "I literally just saw you 5 seconds before I opened my mouth" kind of approaches. These kinds of situations are forcing me to get out of my head, stop thinking, and just do it. Even though I'm obviously behind on the whole 2 girls a day thing, I feel like I just caught a massive tailwind since I've proven to myself that I can go out and approach as the opportunity presents itself, and that I could pretty easily do 5-10 approaches in a matter of 15-30 minutes. We'll see where this takes me.

Thanks for reading!

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Journal Archive

Days 1 & 2

Day 3

Day 4

Day 5

Day 6

Days 7, 8 & 9

Days 10 & 11