⚠️ Long Read ⚠️ So, to start this story out; I was a virgin all the way up until I was 19. Not the most popular guy, but I would generally get along well with someone if they decided to chat with me. I always felt left out when I heard my buddies, or the popular guys talking about who in class they fucked, or how much pussy they got. I felt really inadequate , and I put myself down to the point that I wouldn’t even try with girls . I have always felt like I didn’t know how to escalate a friendship to that level. This lead me to putting myself down even more. It got so bad , to the point that I would wack at least 7 times a day in self loathing and a desire to be wanted.

Well, I joined the wrestling team, and I get teased about owning the largest pistol on the squad. Picked up the name “Mule-Dick” , smdh. Here I am thinking “Surely this was my one way ticket to the Non-Virgin Islands!” Word spreads fast in high school right? Lo and behold , I was only approached once by a girl that I thought was cute. “So SpaceBacons , I heard that you you have a big dick.” However, I have no game whatsoever , so my dumbass just said “ Haha where’d you hear that”? Nothing happened of course.

Skip past high school, graduating a virgin, tfw sadboi . I worked at a gym, and there’s this gorgeous woman that I spotted there. In her late 30s . We friend eachother on Facebook , but nothing really happens between us . On New Year’s Eve, I get drunk with my wrestling buds, and proceed to lay game that I never even knew I had on her. We plan and proceed to meet at the gym after it closes , and I am taught the ways, in the most mind blowing sex I’ve ever had to this day. tfw not virgin anymore

I honestly don’t know how I did it, and still don’t know what I’m doing to this day. Flash forward to the present; 30+ bodies, and I’m still just as clueless?!? I feel like when I lay down game, I am not consciously aware of it. It feels like that part of me is taking a nap while my primal id is just going crazy. I never remember what I actually say that leads me to the point of laying it down. I can’t even tell the girl I really like, that I want her , without being overpowered by a terrifying anxiety.

It’s not satisfying or rewarding (as much as it sounds) , I feel like I’m not in control when I am smooth. I often ask myself “ How in the flying fuck did I get here”?

My questions ( if there are any answers ) are : what the fuck is happening with me? Am I just a clueless fool who follows rule 1 and 2? Do I have a Jekyll/Hyde Complex? How come when I am conscious of myself , I’m a total socially deficient ass ?

If this was the wrong place to post this, or if it’s a jumbled mess, I apologize . I haven’t gotten these feelings out, ever, and I need some input from some people who actually know what they’re doing.

TL:DR: Consciousness fades out when I game. Consciously I am an anxious mess. I never remember how I end up in bed with a woman.